Hello?

“It was not the feeling of completeness I so needed, but the feeling of not being empty.” ~  Jonathan Safran Foer

Recently I discovered how to know whether you're important to other people who matter to you. Just keep quiet at home and don't get in touch with them. This is what I did for 4 days. Except for those calls from banks offering loans and what not and those spam texts telling me about sales here and there, no one actually called and text! I couldn't believe it! My own family didn't even bother to call me! If I died at home, alone, my body would probably rot for a few weeks before people discover them! Great!

This isn't a game of popularity. It's a simple game of whether people care about you. I'm not angry at anybody. I learned not to get angry at people I care about. When I'm angry, it can become really ugly.The last time I got angry, my best friend didn't talk to me for six months!

Sometimes I wish I didn't have to go on a study leave. It has made me nothing but a recluse at home. Sometimes I wish I didn't have to live alone. Sometimes I wish my family and I could just live together under one roof. I am so not cut-out to live alone. It only amplifies my loneliness. How I managed to live alone for the past nine years really amaze me. God,  I really miss waiting for someone to come home. And I sooooooo miss coming home to someone.

It makes me sick that people always think that I'm the composed one, everything's fine with me, I can take care of myself, I'm doing fine, I'm busy, I'm bullshit this, bullshit that. I do have my melt-down moments. Like recently. Things like my cat's untimely death, my fluctuating body weight, my hatred for living alone, and my complicated thesis can sometimes conspire against me. All at once.

Yes, I can be an emotional wreck at times. And all I needed was a bloody hello.