Touchy


“Wah, bestnya tak kerja.” This is a typical response that I get from most people that I’ve met for the past six months. Come to think of it, I enjoy the fact that I’m not working. It’s fun. I don’t have to worry about those make-believe ISO files, for-show publications, and insane office politics, all of which have more or less made teaching lost its appeal to me. So, yup, I need a break from all these nonsense. And there’s no better time than now.

When I look back on my life for the past six months, it has been quite an experience. I spent the first three months reading vigorously and trying to make connections here and there. This was challenging and at times I just went bonkers. I also audited a postgraduate class. It was fun, I couldn’t ask for a better lecturer. But after 5 months have passed, I found myself reaching what a friend has prophesied: the land of the unknown. The phase in my life when everything seems so unsure and nothing is stable anymore. My mind is unstable; my emotion is even more unsteady.

The fact that I stayed at home didn’t help much. Maybe if I am out of the house more often I wouldn’t be such a mess. But I’m not the type who can stay in a freezing library for long. I’m not the type who can study with all kinds of distractions in the background. So home is the best place. A typical day in my life would entail reading in the morning and making notes in the afternoon. But the serenity of the house only serves to amplify the fact that I’m alone in this journey. Somehow, I feel a sense of incredulity, anger and pain at the fact that I’m alone. Of course, a few phone calls to my best friend, mom and sis helped to ease the pain. A few texts to my muse also helped to lift me up a bit. I even found myself buying things that I don’t really need, in the hope that they will make me happy. But why are these not enough?

I’m still sane, though. A fact that I attribute to my faith in God. But I can be very touchy nowadays. The land of the unknown has engulfed me.

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