2014, Recapped

"Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards.” ~ Soren Kierkegaard

I have been very INACTIVE here. The reasons are many. I felt like I had nothing much to write. I was too preoccupied with work. I was lazy. I was too pissed-off with *_*  who must have thought it would be cool to be able to read (literally) my mind but then couldn't handle whatever shit that was written here. My mind is my essence. My mind is also the vortex of my inner chaos, which needs to be de-cluttered when the need arises. I don't need a man who gets easily offended  (and intimidated) by every single thing that I write, anyway. But now that he's no longer in my life, I can write whatever I want here. Not that I haven't been writing whatever I want. Hence this post.

I hope to write more here in 2015. Haha. We'll see. This is not a resolution but I kinda have this vision that one day, when I am really, really, really old, I'm gonna  print every damn entry in my blog and bind them into a book. Then, in the evenings, while sipping a cuppa, facing my backyard garden which has a pink frangipani tree, I would read every damn entry and reminisce the past - and how I have successfully (or otherwise) manoeuvred this sometimes-nice-sometimes-cruel life. Uh. Looks like I'm adding another item in my already-long Bucket List. Kachinggg!

Anyways, to recap 2014 (doing this because I feel like 2014 needs a closure) :

1. Accomplishments

•     I managed to get FOUR publications this year. Woohoo!!!
•     Finally I was allowed  to submit my  three-months-notice of PHD submission. I was actually surprised my supervisor agreed to it. Hahaha! Well, she had no choice, I guess. 
•     I became an Emcee at my department's conference in Penang - for the first time ever! I nearly peed in my pants but somehow I pulled through. I had to. Huhu.

2. Best memories

•     In April,  I went to UK. Reckon it would be the only overseas trip I'd make this year. I was right. Stayed with Iman, my niece who was doing her master's in London. Joined the Keretapi Sarong London organized by some Malaysian students where we took the tube in our sarongs. It was fun! Gotta know some of Iman's buddies. Traveled to Reading to spend time with my BFF - Faiz. Made friends with some Malaysian students there as well. Met an ex-colleague. Then my Singbles friends - Jenal, Zam and Yati joined me for a 6-day car tour around UK. It was really fun! Jenal  teased and made me laugh all the time. Hahaha. If he wasn't taken (I think), I would have fallen for him. I love guys who can make me laugh! The four of us got to know each other better. All this while our meetings were restricted to a few hours of dinner or coffee. From my observation, Zam is so organized, cool, diligent and helpful. Jenal is so funny and generous. Yati is a control-freak. But she's also generous. Hehe. I love these people. During this trip, it was the first time I heard about AirBnB. Apartments and condos for rent. Our accommodation were booked by Jenal and Zam, through AirBnB. All the apartments were lovely, especialy the one in Notting-hill. We even stayed in a 1684 cottage near Paignton! 

                   

Zam. Jenal. Yati. Me. The Fantastic Four. 

• Earlier this year I got news from a long-time friend, Rohaizad, that he was going to join UM as a lecturer. I was exhilarated! I've known him for so long and there were times that I didn't hear from him and lost contact. But Rohaizad being Rohaizad - he would always appear when I least expect it! But Rohaizad's venture with UM didn't last long. I however cherish the times when we hung out together during his stint in UM. I am deeply indebted to him for taking the time to read my thesis and comment on it.We did this over many sessions at Starbucks. He was so meticulous. If only my supervisor were the same.  To appreciate what he'd done, I took him on a road trip to Kuantan to visit my friend Lynn, who then brought us to Kemaman. Rohaizad was so happy. He'd always wanted to go on road trips on weekends. I merely fulfilled his wish. The least I could do. Fortunately, Rohaizad was not a fussy traveler. He was such a sport. We had a blast karaokeing in my car throughout the journey. I miss him a lot. He's such a good friend, and I hate to see him leave. All the best, Rohaizad! 

Selfies are here to stay! Rohaizad and me at Teluk Mak Nik Beach

• I met Prof Scott Slovic, an expert cum celebrity in ecocriticism, whose works I've read! He was invited to assess the postgraduate literature program at my department. It was a real pleasure to meet him. He's such a nice guy, so courteous  and accommodating. He also doesn't look his age (54) at all. Knowing that I would have much to learn from him, my colleagues let me take him sightseeing in Putrajaya, followed by dinner. I took the opportunity with much delight and talked to him about my PHD research. He was very supportive! When my colleagues suggested I took him for a trail walking at FRIM, I didn't hesitate to say yes! But he was so fit! I was left behind by him because he was so fast! 

At the conference in Penang with Prof Scott

• My birthday. The Singbles threw a birthday party for me at Empire Hotel, Subang. It was fun! I felt like my birthday was a week-long celebration because I had many friends this time around who gave me birthday gifts and treats, one after another. My two sisters also threw a surprise belated birthday party for me back at home. I am blessed. But I still don't know how to behave my age. LOL.

 I hope I'll look as good as this 10 years from now.

My two sisters. My Momma. My niece. Surprise belated birthday party.

3.  Unexpected Events

• I had what was then diagnosed by my doctor friend, K,  low blood sugar or hyperglycemia, whilst I was in UK. I was in a mall and suddenly felt my head spinning. I couldn't walk properly, and felt like I was going to faint. I asked Hani, Iman's house mate, who had accompanied me to the mall, to buy me some food and drink. In the mean time, I sat down at the packed food court. My face had become really pale. My head was spinning really fast, I was sweating and shaking profusely, and felt mildly electrocuted. I thought I was going to get a heart attack. A kind lady sitting opposite me gave some aspirins. I took the aspirin after eating the food Hani bought me and fell asleep for quite some time. But before that, what was going on in my head was, if this thing keeps on bugging me, how am I going to return home?  How am I going to walk to the tube station, to Iman's flat? It was quite a distance. My loss of coordination was worrying me. Fortunately, I felt better after getting some sleep. I called Hani and slowly we walked back to the tube station. Later that evening I text K and told him what I had gone through. Then I learned that I had low blood sugar. Which, according to K, could be due to eating less than required. I thought that was strange since I had my usual two pieces of wholemeal bread with peanut butter and a mug of coffee. K said maybe because of the cold weather and I'd been walking a lot, it was not enough. Every single bit of energy from that breakfast was used up.
• I was diagnosed as dengue positive early December. After two days of nagging headache, I went to UPM's Health Centre which kept on monitoring my platelet until it dropped really low. Then my case was referred to Serdang Hospital. Because I was having my period then, I had to be warded. What I had dreaded happened. I had never been hospitalized before! The nurse gave me some pills to stop my period. My platelet count reached its lowest. Over a period of five days, my platelet count dropped from 205 to 28. I thought I was going to die. When my platelet count increased to 53, I was discharged. My experience at the hospital was really an eye opener. I saw so many sick people. I learned to not take my health for granted. My Mom came over and brought some papaya leaves. Juice from the papaya leaves is said to be able to cure dengue fever. True enough. I swallowed everything even though the juice was terribly bitter.  Three days after the discharge, I went to check my platelet again. It was 371! My dengue was gone! I am indebted to my friend Evie for driving me around for four consecutive days before I was actually warded and waiting patiently while I was hooked to the drip at UPM's Health Centre. I owe you big time, my friend! I am also indebted to my Mom who dropped everything and rushed over to Bangi upon hearing that I'd been admitted to the hospital. Words just can't describe how humbled I was by her selflessness. After my Mom left, I cried so hard. I don't think  there's anybody that loves me that way! My only hope from this harrowing experience is to never step foot at a government hospital ever again. The waiting time at the ER was terribly long. The waiting time at the temporary ward was also long. Not to mention the discharge process. I don't think I've ever waited that long at any government institutions. At the ER, I registered at 10.30 am and only got to see the doctor at 4.30 pm! I found myself cursing all the time I was at the hospital instead of praying to God to let me live. Forgive me, God.

4. Disappointments

• I was really disappointed with my sister. She can be very rude and abrasive but because she is my sister, I always let her get away with it. But not this time. I really lost my head. So I kept to myself. I didn't pick up her calls. I totally ignored her and treated her like she didn't exist. She then complained to my mom. Good. I wanted my sister to get the message that I was really pissed off. I knew she'd never apologize. True enough but I guess she apologized through her actions. By giving me a surprise birthday bash and making attempts to talk to me. Buying me gifts. Ok-lah. Ignoring my sister, for months, was really hard work. I was exhausted! 
• My supervisor is another disappointment. She would keep drafts of my chapters for months *grimace*. She is also inconsistent in her opinion about my work. Enough said. 
• My kids were another disappointment. When I reported for duty in July, I was given two courses. Fair enough. One was Research Methods.  I was really anxious to go back to teaching after four years, so put all my effort into making the course a success. There was no final exam. At the end of the semester, they had to submit a Research Proposal. Prior to that, they had to do an oral presentation of their Research Proposals. I nearly lost my head!! Felt like my head was going to explode with all the bullshit that they had presented! Not only that, I was also getting sick with their attitudes. Some came to class late. Never mind the texting in class.  Some had the audacity to submit their assignments late. Some had the audacity not to do their coursework. Some plagiarized blatantly. I don't think I've ever been THIS disappointed throughout my teaching career. Well, that's Gen Y for you. But then it also got me to thinking that maybe I haven't been effective in my teaching. Possible. [Need to seriously reflect on this.]

5. Things I focused on - what I put the most of my time into

• Healing from the breakup. At first I thought I would never get over it. Felt like my brain was playing over and over again our last fight. I'd never felt so humiliated. I could never tolerate religious bigotry anyway. True, we should always remind each other about the dos and the don'ts of the religion but when one became a religious police, keeping tab of other people's sins, it was too much. Don't we have the angels Raqib and Atid  assigned specifically to do that? Duh. I found myself spending more and more time with my long-time friend Adam. I think he's also a bit lonely since he rarely gets to see K. And since July, never. Almost every weekend we would meet up and I could never thank him enough for keeping me preoccupied on weekends, telling me repeatedly to move on with my life. We became much closer than before. It would have been a slow healing process if I had just stayed at home moping around. So, slowly I got to where the breakup doesn't bother me so much anymore. Well, except for the religion part. It still bugs me to think that the person that I loved would use that to judge me. I'm also bugged by his self-righteousness. I remember faintly that he used to say that his dad was intolerable because the old man always thought he was right. Well, the apple does not fall far from the tree.  Apart from this, I missed my Darling. Oh yeah, the impact of the breakup was double because I had to return his cat, Darling, who had stayed with me for about 1 1/2 years. At first I didn't want to return Darling but then I got to thinking, Darling was never mine. Just like *-*. Do  I miss him? Maybe I just miss the memories, and not the person. 

Adam. Me. We took many wefies; this is one of my favourites.  

• My thesis. I focused on my thesis for at least 7 or 8 months. What else would I be doing, right? But the semester took its best on me. I rarely touched my thesis since I went back to work. 
• My teaching. It was refreshing to come back after a 4-year leave. Initially, I  had some tough time adjusting to work life again. Waking up early for a 9 am meeting for example, was torture. *Gosh*  I was given two new courses that I haven't taught before so I had to do a lot of preparations. But I took one thing at a time. It was crucial for my sanity. After teaching Research Methods, I wish I 'd taught this way before I embarked on my PHD. My PHD would have been a lot easier if I had taught this much earlier!

6. Things I forgot - what I didn't get around to do

• Thorough house cleaning. I didn't do it as often as I'd like to. I didn't even change the curtains! This whole PHD thing, plus my teaching and what not have dampened my spirit to clean the house regularly. 
• Save a lot of money. Well, this can't be helped since I wasn't earning as must part time income as before. Plus I spent a lot of my money traveling to UK in April and May. Enough said. 
• Plan for a vacation with my Mom/family. I had vowed to do this,  to treat my Mom at least, but somehow I didn't get around to do it. Must do something to realize this in 2015. My Mom deserves to be treated to a holiday. 

7. Reflection - how does this inform my plan for 2015?

• I need to finish that damn PHD! [Gonna  go back to my thesis after this post is done *grimace*].
• I need to save some money! [I have two piggy banks already, waiting to be filled!]
• I need to improve my teaching! 
• I need to bring my Mom to a vacay! 
• I need to concentrate on publishing, too! 
• I need to take care of my health!
• I need to appreciate those people who were there for me in times of need, sickness and sadness! 
• I need to enjoy life as a single person! [Steering clear from men is best!].
• I need to clean the house (and de-clutter some stuff) more regularly! [First have to buy a new vacuum cleaner. That's gonna be the 5th or 6th cleaner in 12 years! Vacuum cleaners and me don't make good household partners].

Bring it on, 2015! Let me embrace you with positivity!