Giving Up

The day she had dreaded for so long had come. She had postponed it so many times, thinking she wouldn't be able to handle it. The signs were there. Too obvious to ignore. There was the silence. The coldness. He couldn't be bothered with whatever she did any more. There was no communication. Her texts were often greeted with clipped, emotionless responses. And when they went out, no more long, meaningful conversations like they used to have and more often than not he was in a hurry to get home. Sometimes she even felt like he was just dragging his feet to go out with her. Still, she persevered. She wasn't about to let go of a relationship that had meant something to her for the past five years. Perhaps she was delusional, thinking and expecting things to get better. Living in past memories more than the present. The signs that the relationship was coming to an end were all there but she chose to ignore them, and shoved everything into the back of her head, thinking she would deal with everything when she finished her long, arduous journey on the PhD trail. Thinking she would be an emotional wreck if she lost him. But the messages he had been sending were so strong, it felt like a black cloud was following her wherever she went. So the inevitable had to happen sooner. She felt like she had to let go. She felt like he let go a long time ago so it was time for her to do the same.

She met him more than five years ago, at the encouragement of a mutual friend. It began with a text, and the rest was history. She felt like he was a person with whom she could connect with and over time, the connection became strong that she was drawn to him in a way she had never experienced before. As this connection developed over time, she experienced a love so deep, strong and complex. She couldn't quite describe why she was drawn to him but she guessed she loved his quietness, his humbleness and his sense of humour. Sometimes she found herself smiling and laughing at odd times of the day, recalling his jokes and stories. She liked the fact that he could make her smile. And laugh. The things she found most beautiful about him were never physical, anyway. She had not heard him said anything about a future together but if his actions were any indicator, and  if she were reading those actions correctly, she knew he had some feelings for her and was taking steps to deepen the relationship. She knew he was not the type who would share or express his feelings, so she relied on his actions - which told her, quite convincingly, that he actually cared about her. And she was happy with that. She felt safe with him. She trusted him.

There were a few fights, or confrontations, along the way but these had never erased whatever feelings she had for him, thinking that fights, or confrontations, or arguments, or whatever you call it, were part and parcel of being in a relationship. After all, the ultimate test of a relationship is to disagree. At least that was what she thought. After each fight, she knew what their problems were. Communication breakdown. Different understandings. Different expectations. She apologised most of the time, thinking that she was after all, a human being and thus was prone to making mistakes. She was never proud of those mistakes thus chose not to dwell in the negative. Instead, she chose to rise above the angst and turmoil. She was not the type of person who held grudges anyway. Nor was she the type who couldn't forgive and move on. 

But five years in a relationship that was not going anywhere was sometimes too much for her to take. She turned a deaf ear every time friends and family members asked about her relationship. She knew they were concerned, but believed strongly that he needed time. Although she assured herself to learn to trust the journey she had undertaken with him, she'd always felt like he had some issues/problems that kept holding him back but she wasn't sure what. Every time she asked him about where the relationship was heading to, he would give reasons instead of definite answers. Answers that she accepted, being the understanding person that she was. She was not pushy, after all. She had faith in him, that in time he would want to take the relationship to the next level.  

But when he asked her to change, that was it. She couldn't believe her ears. She'd always believed that in a relationship you have to love a person for all of who they are, not just the parts you like. Which made her think that there was more to it than meet the eye. Somehow she knew that it was just another excuse. Then she remembered faintly what her father had said not too many years ago. If a man wants to marry you, my dear, he would find one thousand and one ways to marry you. No matter how hard. The same goes when a man doesn't want to marry you. He would find one thousand and one ways not to marry you. Her heart sank. 

It then occurred to her that he just didn't want to settle down. But the way he went about communicating this message was heart-wrenching. There was really no need to go to such extent. If he had said he wanted to end the relationship because he didn't want to settle down, or because he didn't love her, she would have accepted it. You can't make a person love you, she knew that for certain. But she wasn't about to let it go, not before finding out why. Screw those reasons he had given her. She'd always felt like those reasons were just excuses, that there was a bigger problem/issue that he was facing. And hiding. It took her quite some time to find out. Never mind how she found out. She had her ways. Some divine intervention had helped, too. She was utterly shocked when she found out. And cried for days. That he'd suffered from it alone, and for so long. No man would be able to bear such burden. No man. It was too much for her to take.  

She cried not because she was disappointed. Far from it. She cried because he wasn't sincere enough to share this problem with her. Oh, she understood male pride. Male ego. Male whatever. Somehow everything seemed to fall into place. She got the whole picture. Before this she only got bits and pieces of a jigsaw puzzle. It explained a lot about him. Those lame excuses. The extreme form of escapism he threw himself into. Why he was stuck with the same job. Why he didn't look forward to the future. Why he reverted to religion. It all made sense to her now. 

But she loved him. Loved him enough to have a future with him despite his problem. Loved him enough to accept the fact that he had a problem he probably didn't know how to solve or find a cure for. Or perhaps he had tried, but to no avail. Never mind if he didn't love her. She had to help him. Even if it meant she had to go to China or Russia or the Arctic to find the cure. Never mind if he didn't want to marry her. Now she had to figure out how to talk to him about it. That would be a big problem considering he had decided to give up on the relationship. Still, she had to take the chance. But she guessed she took too long to muster up the courage. For months, she contemplated on how best to approach him about it. The relationship deteriorated further. And she lost hope bit by bit.

That evening was the last time she saw and talked to him. She hoped he would have some kind of feelings left for her, even if it was just a tiny bit. Even if the relationship was ending. She had planned to talk amicably to him about their relationship, that it had to end, and from there if luck would have it, talk about his problem. But as fate would have it, it turned into a heated argument. As always. But this time she had never felt so humiliated. She had never seen so much hatred in his eyes before. He had told her that he had changed, that he was embracing religion more nowadays. That was what she couldn't understand. A heart that is filled with religion is softened. But his hardened even more. And if it was true that he wanted her to change because of God, why the harsh words? The arrogance? The judgement? The condescending attitude and jeers? If he didn't care for her, didn't love her, and didn't want to have a future with her,  what did it matter if she changed or not? As he talked more and more of her sins, she got to thinking, "Why does he have to resort to this? Just stop it. Just tell me you don't want to marry. Not with me. And not with anyone. Ever. Because you can't". It then occurred to her that even if she changed, he still wouldn't  marry her. It was just an excuse that was concocted in order to conceal the real reason. He knew she wouldn't change, so it was the perfect way to end the relationship. Ask her to do something she won't do. That way he could end the relationship easily. It also dawned on her at that time that no amount of talking or reasoning or pleading was going to do any good. He was so intent on ending the relationship. She saw no point in discussing his problem. She did try to, but the way he talked to her that evening made her realize that if she couldn't talk about their relationship without being cornered all the time, what made her think she could talk about his problem? At that point, she gave up. She realized she was holding on to something and someone that didn't exist any more. 

She surprised herself by giving up. Because she wasn't a quitter. She felt sorry for him because all this while he couldn't get the bigger picture. That beyond what he read in her blog and/or Facebook, there was a bigger picture. Her love. Her commitment. Her loyalty. Her faithfulness. Sure, she had made some mistakes - she wasn't proud of any of them. She then knew that no matter what she wrote or uploaded on her blog and Facebook, that even though she wrote what she was really thinking and meant no harm, he would often take it the wrong way and get offended. Too bad because if he thought she could only think or write about him, he was wrong. As much as she loved him, that did not mean her life revolved around him. She learned not too long ago, after another intense argument with him, to take everything she read on Facebook with a pinch of salt. She had hoped that he would do the same, too. But she guessed he never would. 

That night, after a heated argument that was going nowhere, she knew she couldn't be in a relationship with someone who can't forgive and forget. Who simply can't say sorry. Who kept on bringing up her past mistakes every time they bickered. Who dwelled on past issues she thought had been resolved. Who asked her to change but won't even commit himself to anything serious. It pained her that when he talked that night, he only remembered the pain that she had put him through. Worst, she felt sorry she mistook all the memorable laughs, long nights, deep conversations, fun trips, thoughtful gifts, sweet texts and jokes as signs that he loved her. She felt sorry that all these things didn't mean a damn thing to him any more. 

Nevertheless, she was grateful for the five years that he was with her. Five years was such a long time. She was in this relationship longer than she was in her previous marriage. At least her life had some meaning throughout the five years she was with him. She wished him well. She didn't hate him. She only regretted the way they parted. She had only wanted to tell him that she thought it was over between them, and that they could still be friends. He was a good friend anyway, and she didn't want to lose a friend such as him. But things didn't usually work out the way she planned. She hoped too, that one day he would find the cure to his problem. And that in the mean time, he would not give up. Not the way he gave up on them. 

Write hard and clear about what hurts ~ Ernest Hemingway