Rowing Through...

Whenever you're in conflict with someone, there is one factor that can make the difference between damaging your relationship and deepening it. That factor is attitude. ~ William James.

A recent row with Muse reduced me to tears. It also taught me a lot of things.  

1) Never, ever assume what the other thinks. Sometimes texting is not always the best way to communicate, especially when you need to plan things urgently. There's that tendency to read too much between the lines and filling in the blanks with your emotion rather than rational thinking. Just pick up the phone and call.

2) Accumulated pet peeves have the tendency to get articulated one by one during a row, which is not a bad thing. It is a good thing, I think, albeit a shocking one, considering Muse is quite a reserved person and often keeps things to himself. Otherwise I'd never hear these pet peeves and therefore keep on hurting him. I should take note that when Muse did this, I just kept quiet and listened attentively ( thinking, this is one of the rarest times I get to hear about what he feels and what he thinks) and did not retort back with my own list of pet peeves. Err, did I have one? Sure, but I chose not to articulate it. Didn't want to make things worse.

3) Facebook (damn you, Facebook!) is not really the right channel to grouse about Muse. I learnt this the hard way, thinking I made things sounded really subtle and general. Thinking that I was merely expressing my feelings, which  was better than keeping them all bottled up inside. Little did I know that Muse is my #1 Facebook stalker. Hehe. Little did I know he was really concerned about what kinds of ideas my friends would form about him. But then sometimes what I wrote was really derived from my own observations about life and from my love for pantun. These must have somehow made Muse feel I was referring to him. So, ambiguous status on Facebook is a no-no. Muse-induced status is also a no-no.  

4) A blog is a text that depends on how you read it. As for my blog, I think I am entitled to some leeway in expressing my feelings. Muse once said that's one place where one can be his/herself. This is self-evidently true. He did mention one entry that he got pissed with (I don't know how many more entries have actually rubbed him the wrong way). I went through the entry again, and I felt like I was really looking at things in a rather humorous way. He didn't, though. It is at times like this I remember how meaning is constructed through different perspectives. It's not what you read, but how you read. That when a writer's work leaves his labyrinth of thoughts, the meaning does not reside with the writer any more but with the readers. The writer, the original source of meaning, is practically dead.

5) Apologising is a must. Once things are laid out in the open, and you realize that you're only human after all, with all kinds of insecurities and imperfections, express how sorry you are. You can only learn from these and try to be better. Muse is the last person you want to hurt in this world. 

6) A row (or a confrontation) is unpleasant to the boot, unappealing and does little wonder to your ego but must be had once in a while to iron out tensions so that these tensions would work out as productive tensions in the relationship. 

7) Always have faith in a row. 

It can make or break a relationship, depending on how you see it. I always believe that talking it out (or communicating) is the best way to nurture a relationship. Also a way for me to reflect on how much Muse matters to me and vice versa. 

8) Men are from Mars, women are from Venus. But this doesn't mean issues cannot be resolved at the end of the row. They must be resolved! Otherwise you'd be restless and insomniac. I suffered from these prior to the row. Imagine if the row didn't bear any fruitful discussion. I'd probably be suicidal for the rest of my life.