Waiting

If you were going to die soon and had only one phone call you could make, who would you call and what would you say? And why are you waiting? ~Stephen Levine

Waiting. Nobody in his or her right mind would want to do this, I’m sure. If it's two or three minutes, it's probably nothing. But 18 years? It's surely exhausting, torturous and nerve-wrecking. Especially if the outcome is a big let-down. But what if it’s the opposite? Is the opposite possible? And if the outcome is positive, is it worth all the heartache and trials and tribulations?

These were the questions that I had in mind when I was reading Waiting by Ha Jin. I had seen this book a couple of times in the bookstore but due to other pressing reading engagement, I resisted the urge to buy it. But the blurb really had a brain-itchy effect that eventually I gave in, picked it up from the shelf, went home and straight away started reading it. It was awesome, simply unputdownable!

Set in communist China from the '60s to the '80s, the novel focuses on Lin Kong, a military doctor who agrees to an arranged marriage. His bride, Shuyu, turns out to be a country woman who looks far older than her 26 years and who has lotus (bound) feet. While Shuyu remains at Lin's family home in Goose Village, nursing first his mother and then his ailing father, and bearing Lin a daughter, Lin lives far away in an army hospital compound, visiting only once a year. Caught in a loveless marriage, Lin is attracted to a nurse, Manna Wu. This attraction however, is not something that Lin or Manna could work on since the regimented communist system dictates every aspect of its comrade’s life, including when or how a person divorces his wife. After 18 years of waiting, Lin Kong and Manna finally get to wed. So, imagine, 18 years of waiting and 18 years of unconsummated love! If I were Manna, I’d probably go bonkers by the end of the first year!

Ha Jin’s style is awesome. He doesn’t meddle much with the characters’ thoughts; he doesn’t waste time giving too many details; he infuses humour when necessary; and he doesn’t feel compelled to write like other Western writers. If this was a work of a Western writer, I’m sure it would not be as engaging and believable. One, it'd be saturated with too much Western values. Plus, I don’t think there’d be such thing as unconsummated love; sex will eventually triumph!

Well, getting back to my question earlier: Is the outcome worth all the heartache and trials and tribulations? Manna would agree to this 100% but not Lin. He’s elated with the fact that he gets to marry a woman of his own choice alright, but he also has a new set of headaches waiting for him. One, he’s a bit too old to enjoy sex. Two, too old to be a father to twin boys. Three, Manna has a heart problem and might die soon. Four, his filial wife whom he’d divorced is waiting for him to come back to her! This is what I like about the story, waiting is not restricted to Manna and Lin only, but also the wife, a twist that awaits at the end of the story!

Well, Manna and Lin is not the only couple that had to wait for 18 years! Some had to wait 19 years, as exemplified by Hong Kong celebrities, Tony Leung and Karina Lau. I don’t keep tab on what they do but I do know that they dated for 19 years before getting married in 2008! ! They must have their own reasons for getting married that late but I’d heard that Tony was advised by a clairvoyant or something that his career would be affected if he marries before he reaches 40! Their relationship is not without trials and tribulations, though. For instance, when Karina was kidnapped and raped by one of the Hong Kong triads and naked pictures of her were circulated in the media, Tony stayed by her side faithfully.

What amazes me about these two stories (one is imagined and one is real) is the degree of patience involved. I am not sure whether I could wait that long. But I suppose if you really love someone, anything is bearable, even if it means waiting. Which brings us to the question: Why does a relationship have to end with a marriage, anyway?

In describing relationships, I think Mark Knapp (2000) had done a wonderful job. He proposed that relationships normally go through five stages:

1. The initiating stage

This is when people in a potential relationship interact with each other. This is simply the "hello, how are you, it's nice to meet you" stage in which people make preliminary judgments about each other, such as "he seems friendly" or "she seems interesting."

2. The experimenting stage

This is when people try to get to know each other better. They would have small talks and would nromally cover a wide variety of topics. This is the stage when each party holds an “audition”, so to speak, to help them identify areas of similarity that would help advance the relationship.

3. The intensifying stage

People increase the information they disclose to each other such as how they feel towards the other person. This step may make them feel more vulnerable because their disclosure can potentially be rejected by the other person. For example, one person may be ready to say "I think I'm falling in love with you," but the other person may not have reached this level of feeling, yet.

4. The integrating stage

People begin to arrange their daily lives around each other and become involved in each other's personal and social spaces. The relationship begins to become visible to others. Interaction increases in frequency (e.g., daily telephone calls instead of weekly ones), and references to past conversations increase ("Remember when we…").

5. The bonding stage

This stage signifies a formal commitment to the relationship. This involves actions such as getting engaged, moving in together, or getting married.

It is important to remember that Knapp’s model is descriptive, not prescriptive. In other words, this model does not describe what should happen in a relationship; it merely describes, which is fine with me since I think this process has been recurring since time immemorial. Time has witnessed, countless times, that people in relationships regardless of epoch, culture and sexual orientation go through the same rituals. Why relationships had to go through these stages beats me but I believe God has ordained it in such a way. Trust God The All-Knowing.

Where my relationship is concerned, I guess I’m still waiting (not complaining, though). I’ve gone through Stage 1, 2 & 3. In fact I think I am now at Stage 4. But then maybe I am moving back and forth between Stage 3 & 4. I don’t know whether I’ll get to Stage 5 or not but I pray I will. That’s how positive and committed I am in this relationship. Of course, I can only talk on behalf of myself but not the other party. I just hope I don’t have to wait for 18 or 19 years :-) !