IT'S A PANDAN LIFE ...!

(Early) 2012 Ramblings...

2012-01-09T16:00:00.003+08:00

I had many reasons to be happy when 2012 kicked off.

First, I lost 5 kg (at the time of writing this though, I'd lost 6 kg...)

Even though this pic is not very clear, I like the silhouette of my body. It is a testament of my hard work losing 5 kg. My whole life I've never, ever gone on a diet.

I like this pic very much because I looked really happy (I was happy, anyway). Plus, I think my arms look leaner (result of weight-lifting at the gym). Dieting coupled with exercising yielded a better result, definitely.

Second, I’m done with Chapter One of my thesis (all 140+ pages of it). Yeeha!!!

Third, I wasn’t alone on the eve of New Year’s Day. I was crooning at the top of my lungs with a good friend in Johor Bahru until the clock stroke midnight!

Fourth, I was in Singapore for a whole-day trip on New Year’s Day, a trip that made one of my dreams come true. Hint: Keroncong. What 2011 taught me was, it really sucks to be alone on New Year’s Eve and on New Year’s Day. So I was really determined not to be miserably alone, at home, when 2012 ushered in. Uh-uh. Never again. I didn’t get to see fireworks on the eve of 2012, though. Perhaps I get to do this when 2013 ushers in. Hehe. Somehow I’d already planned where I’ll be next year. Anybody wanna join this pathetic soul?

Fifth, I bought 5 very interesting books. What better way to start off the New Year, eh, being the book lover that I am? 4 of these books are related to my therapeutic hobby nowadays, which is cooking. Hmm. Let’s hope I get to try some of the mouth-watering recipes in these books, eh?

Book # 1 ...

Book #2 ...

Book #3 ...

Book #4 ...

The last one, Kamus Peribahasa Melayu, is my favourite among the five. I didn’t even think of buying something like it until I accidentally stumbled upon it at Carrefour. I flipped through the pages to satisfy my curiosity and was quickly enamored. Thanks to my PHD undertaking this past one year and a half, I am more attuned to my own culture. I am really humbled by the beauty of the Malay language and the wealth of wisdom this dictionary offers. It is truly a treasure!

Book # 5 ...

Enough ramblings. Happiness is temporary. I reckon 2012 will be a challenging year. Not gonna bother with resolutions. I only have two wishes. Amin Ya Rabbal Alamin...

2011, framed

2012-01-07T18:01:00.019+08:00

Framing 2011. Accompanied by my favourite pics. A picture speaks a thousand words, remember this old adage?

What I managed to do in 2011:

1. Keep on working on my PHD.

I guess I managed to do this. I spent the whole year writing up about more or less 40k words. I’m a bit slow in writing, I realized. I worry too much. I realized a bit too late too, about the feasibility of Marxism in my area of study – so spent the last 3-4 months of 2011 reading, framing and cursing the theory. Nevertheless, I now revere Marx and Engels for their insightful and practical inquiry. And thanks to all the readings I’ve done (not only on Marxism), I find that I’m more attuned to my own culture, my country and how these have evolved. I’ve never felt more patriotic than now. The tanah air that I’ve known is never corrupt, it’s those at the helm that are corrupt.

2. Put on more weight (and then lost some).

I did do this. I ballooned up as a result of my trip to UK. I couldn't zip up my old jeans, I couldn't button up my kebaya. I got so disgusted, it was a down-right wakeup call! I went on a strict diet, picking up cues from the Net and a book that I'd bought a long time ago about eating six small meals per day. After 7 weeks of dieting, and as 2011 came to a close, I lost 5 kg. Not that anybody noticed. But that’s okay. I ’m doing this for me and not anybody else. Will continue this dieting for the next couple of months. Discipline is key. I do indulge once a week, though, hence the cooking on Sundays. I’d normally ask people to come on over but if no one could, that’s their loss. Hehehe.

3. Travel.

Been to the States in January, and UK in October. Stepped foot in Bath Spa University. Enough said.

4. Print out all those nice recipes on the Net and do something about them.

I managed to try out some new recipes. When they worked I felt like a domestic goddess through and through. Hahaha. But after trying them out I'd normally just shove those recipes into the kitchen cupboard. I really need to compile all these recipes into a neat scrapbook/recipebook. This should really go into my bucket list. Say what???

5. Going to entertaining and stimulating theatre shows/MPO concerts/movies.

I went to a couple of interesting shows. Madu III, written by Alfian Saat, was an excellent one. Into the Centre, a superb classical Indian fusion dance-show, was a collaboration of dance groups from Malaysia and the states, led by Ramli Ibrahim. At last I got to see this legend perform live! The Secret Life of Nora was technologically and artistically impressive but the story line was so-so. Tiara Jacquelina improved her singing but the 60s failed to be re-lived. Another memorable one was on New Year’s Day (2012) when I went to catch Keroncong Gala in Singapore. I’ve always liked keroncong. The laid-back yet soothing music has always tingled my senses. I learnt a lot of things at this gala. Such as it developed upon the arrival of the Portuguese traders in the Malay archipelago in the 16th century who brought with them unique musical instruments that influenced the Javanese to develop a new musical style. I learnt about the musical instruments played for keroncong, mainly the ukuleles and the angklung. Keroncong really gained popularity during the colonial times when the song Bengawan Solo became a hit. I was surprised to find that while it became a nationalistic song among the Indonesians, it also became a favourite song for the Japanese soldiers, who longed to return home. All this wealth of knowledge, coupled by the enthusiasm of the singers (such as Hetty Koes Endang and Julie Sudiro) and the audience (mostly Singapore's pak ciks and mak ciks) involved in the gala to support and fight for the survival of keroncong almost reduced me to tears. It was a full house, mind you!

6. Hike up Broga Hill.

With Iman. I’ve always wanted to, just didn’t have the company to go with. Plus, I like to try something new and adventurous sometimes. Broga was a new experience for me, hiking up hills is not. Broga and the green view from the top are simply breathtaking.

7. Stop eating nasi lemak Tang lin.

Simply because the outlet I usually frequented to in Bangsar has closed. Why oh why????

8. Get rid of my fear of confrontations and let go of my anger instead of accumulating it.

But the damage was huge. My best friend didn’t talk to me for six months. I don’t know what kind of effects it left on my muse when at times, I confronted him to clear up the air on certain things. He probably thought I was a sentap-psycho. Whatever. At least I was being true to my own feelings. At least I didn’t keep it all bottled up inside. It can make my heart heavy. I don’t need the extra weight. My brain is already heavy with those Permanent-Head-Damage (PHD) stuff. I also believe honesty is the best policy. If you have questions, ask. If you have doubts, ask. Asking is a virtue.

9. Continue living alone.

I’ve developed an extreme aversion to this condition especially in 2011. It suffocated me at times. But I am my own nurse. I nursed my own feelings. It's not an easy task, though.

10. Attend three joyful weddings.

I used to hate going to weddings. But after three joyful weddings, I began to see the beauty of weddings. I don’t know why but I always feel like a beaming proud parent when my friends got married, probably because these friends used to be my students. To Shahm, Suzie and Dek Non, I wish you happiness. Yes, this is the most important part of being married – that you’re happy. Other material things are really secondary. So what if you two lived in a flat with not enough furniture? So what if you two had rice and fried eggs and kicap for lunch? You can still be happy. Knowing that there’s someone there with you, sharing the imperfections in life, is happiness. I was a bridesmaid at Dek Non’s wedding. Wait, isn’t this whole bridesmaid thing not part of our culture? Come on, Malays or Malaysians, for that matter, have been exposed to Western ideas and cultures for ages. Colonialism saw to that. They have also been exposed to so many other cultures. This is the age of globalization lah. To maintain some kind of notion of cultural purity and originality would be naive and simplistic. Moreover, what better way to honour your loyal buddies than to ask them to accompany you when you take those slow, cautious, but euphoric steps to holy matrimony? Dek Non’s marriage solemnization (or nikah) really exemplifies what I want in a wedding (if I ever get married again). Immediate family members and close friends. Nikah. Mas kahwin. No such thing as the burdening duit hantaran. I think a small wedding is more meaningful than a big one in a fancy hotel with 1000 guests, of whom you might only know like, 20 or 30 people? More over, a marriage is not really about how it begins, but how it ends. Suzie’s wedding had more or less the same adorable traits. Perhaps the most adorable is the fact that Rafael moved here to be with her after years of long-distance relationship. I guess when a man loves a woman, he’ll never give her up, no matter how hard the situation is!

What I didn’t manage to do in 2011:

Bring my own shopping bags on Saturdays. I always forgot. Damn it! So much for my ecocritical undertakings, huh?

Worst moments in 2011:

I had three major melt-downs this year. The last one was related to my cat, Izzy, who died a painful death. The other two, well, let’s just say they were PHD-induced. Yup, because doing my PHD means I get to stay at home more than I would like to, thus I tend to ponder too much on my life - past, present and future. All kinds of shitty feelings were evoked when I did this. I think too much (so my muse has said). Well yeah, it's better than not to think at all. I am a thinker and don't take things at face value.

Favourite song in 2011:

Make You Feel My Love - Adele. First heard this song while I was in UK. Really touched my heart and felt like all the words in the song speak for my feelings towards my muse.

Favourite artist in 2011:

Adele. Such an incredible talent. I feel like I could relate to all her songs - some were like the stories of my life!!!

Favourite moments/pics in 2011:

1. Snapped by Suzie's daughter. On a bus heading to Grand Canyon. Crochet/knitted cap made by thoughtful Dek Non. February 2011.

2. Shahm's wedding. This pic kinda encapsulates 1Malaysia. Hehe. Also first-ever wedding attended with muse. March 2011.

3. With my niece, Arina, at Sepang F1 Circuit. March 2011.

4. With my kids who were doing their school practicum in Melaka. May/June 2011.

5. Snapped by me. Priceless! First-ever! I thought I'd never see the day when he'd cut his hair. One of his friends asked, "What did you do to make him cut his hair?". I said, "Do I look like someone who can tell him to do things?". Hehe. June 2011.

6. Suzie's long-awaited wedding. July 2011.

7. With Dee and Fana, used to be my pets in class, who are now teachers themselves. A great meet-up after so long. September 2011.

8. I was Pocahontas! At my god son, Isyraf's birthday party. September 2011.

9. My niece, Qaleesha, or Qeesha. Pic taken by my sis a few weeks after Qeesha learned to walk. October 2011.

10. At last, stepped foot in Shakespeare's Stratford upon Avon! Snapped by Hakem. October 2011.

11. A stroll in Lower Earley, Reading, UK, with Faiz. Snapped by Hassan. This pic reminds me not only of Faiz, who's doing her PHD, but also other fellow travelers on the PHD trail. Yup, while the PHD journey is a lonely one, I have to keep reminding myself that there are other people who have gone or are going on the same journey. Unlike the straight road in this pic, the PHD road is never a straight one. November 2011.

12. I was a bridesmaid at Dek Non's wedding! First-ever. Made friends fast with the other bridesmaids, Dek Non's long-time, cool, funny, and happening friends: Rima, Ayu and Farah. Though I'd only met them on the day of the wedding, it felt like we've known each other for the longest time. I'm the wisest in this pic, though. Hehe. December 2011.

Strange Conversation With My Muse V

2011-12-13T00:44:00.002+08:00

Muse: The last time I ******, I left the States and came back to Malaysia. Now, where shall I run to? I'll leave for Indonesia, then! *Amused tone, probably joking*

Me: *Thinking:

1. If he got a penny for every time he said he wanted to leave (he uses many variations of the word e.g. run, migrate), he'd be a millionaire now.

2. My heart stops every time he says he wants to leave - the ruthless manner in which the word is uttered sent icy-cold jolts to my heartstrings.

3. I don't think he is aware that the word is associated with loss. When someone leaves, either by death or by choice, it is a great loss to the people who care about him/her.

4. I'll probably lose my cool the next time he utters the word (or its variations).*

Strange Conversation With My Muse IV

2011-12-08T16:42:00.003+08:00

Muse: ... Please do not assume my life is like a walk in the park ...

Me: *Taken aback, thinking: Why is he talking to me like I am a stranger? Like I do not know him at all? When have I ever assumed any thing about his life? All this while, what he told me is what I know. My life is not a walk in the park either. Even if it is, it is a bloody lonely walk in the park!*

Moral of the story: What we say can sometimes affect people for days and days.

Hello?

2011-11-22T23:03:00.000+08:00

“It was not the feeling of completeness I so needed, but the feeling of not being empty.” ~ Jonathan Safran Foer

Recently I discovered how to know whether you're important to other people who matter to you. Just keep quiet at home and don't get in touch with them. This is what I did for 4 days. Except for those calls from banks offering loans and what not and those spam texts telling me about sales here and there, no one actually called and text! I couldn't believe it! My own family didn't even bother to call me! If I died at home, alone, my body would probably rot for a few weeks before people discover them! Great!

This isn't a game of popularity. It's a simple game of whether people care about you. I'm not angry at anybody. I learned not to get angry at people I care about. When I'm angry, it can become really ugly.The last time I got angry, my best friend didn't talk to me for six months!

Sometimes I wish I didn't have to go on a study leave. It has made me nothing but a recluse at home. Sometimes I wish I didn't have to live alone. Sometimes I wish my family and I could just live together under one roof. I am so not cut-out to live alone. It only amplifies my loneliness. How I managed to live alone for the past nine years really amaze me. God, I really miss waiting for someone to come home. And I sooooooo miss coming home to someone.

It makes me sick that people always think that I'm the composed one, everything's fine with me, I can take care of myself, I'm doing fine, I'm busy, I'm bullshit this, bullshit that. I do have my melt-down moments. Like recently. Things like my cat's untimely death, my fluctuating body weight, my hatred for living alone, and my complicated thesis can sometimes conspire against me. All at once.

Yes, I can be an emotional wreck at times. And all I needed was a bloody hello.

Farewell, Izzy

2011-11-17T12:49:00.026+08:00

A tribute to my feline son, Izzy, 21.09.2002 - 08.11.2011.

I'd always thought, perhaps I'd even taken for granted, that you'd live a long healthy life. To hear that you died in so much pain was really heart-wrenching, I felt like killing myself. Please forgive me Izzy, for not being there.

You came into my life when there was really a large void in my life. I'd been divorced, had moved in to my new house. At the same time my family, my main pillar of strength, had moved from KL to Johor. The emptiness was simply too much to bear. Words can't describe how much joy you brought to my life when I adopted you. You were barely 4 or 5 months old when I took you home. Only a kitty, totally helpless and dependent on me. Well, yeah, you did bring some headaches during your formative years but those were really peanuts compared to the happiness you brought. You'd wait eagerly for me at the sliding door when I came back from work. You'd sleep with me at night. You'd wake me up a couple of times at night just because you're afraid to go to the kitchen and eat alone. I got all your antics framed in my mind, Izzy.

My dad was completely enamored with you. There were times I'd send you to Johor due to my outstation or holiday trips. Somehow you really bonded with dad. You'd also grown a lot, and hated the idea of being cooped up in the house. The disdain was pretty obvious - I felt like it was written all over your face. Sending you permanently to Johor was quite difficult but I took comfort that at least you'll be free to frolic in the yard. At least my dad wouldn't be so bored, being the cat lover that he was. At least I didn't have to feel guilty leaving you alone in the house while I worked long hours.

You made Johor your home. I heard other cats were scared of you. You were also no stranger to the entire neighbourhood. You made friends with my aunt, and grandma next door. You treated their home like yours. You made friends with Qsha, my baby niece. I think you were really happy in Johor, Izzy. Much happier than in Bangi. There were times when I brought you home to Bangi, especially when you needed medical treatment and what not. I shall always treasure those moments when you were home with me, Izzy. Those moments when you just huddled next to me like I am your mother. Those moments when you meowed, asking for food or milk. Those moments when you just napped and napped, oblivious to the world. And those moments when you dashed to my muse like he wasn't a stranger.

I don't know how many times I've cried since your death. I don't think I'll ever get over this huge sense of loss. To some, you were just my pet. But you were much more than that, Izzy. Thank you so much for having been a part of my life. And my family's life. R.I.P.

Cat nap as epitomized by Izzy...

True companion...

Getting ready to sleep (with the air-cond on, of course)...

Qsha's best friend...

A warm embrace any time...

Our perfect companions never have fewer than four feet. ~ Colette

Trip to Ol' Blighty

2011-11-14T00:54:00.107+08:00

A stroll in Lower Earley, Reading, with Faiz.
Picture credit to Hassan.

Some ramblings about my third trip to the UK. The first was back in 2003, second was in 2008. This time around I took comfort in the fact that my buddy Faiz was there - accommodation can be so damn expensive in UK, as I learnt in 2008. So yeah, Faiz was my main motivation. I wouldn't have embarked on the trip if Faiz wasn't making a living there. Besides the fact that I'd be staying at her place in Reading, I was actually overjoyed - I havent met her for almost three years and I miss her coolness, her wisdom, her sense of humour and her sense of style. People who know Faiz would know what I meant by the latter. Hehehe.

This time I stayed for three weeks. Rented a car and did some touring up north with Faiz and Hassan and Hakem - all I know or can recall) was we drove up to Stratford, Sheffield, Corby, Bath, Chester, and Brighton. Went to London to catch a show. Then on my last day went to Sonning and Henley - which are not that far from Reading. Dropped by Windsor Castle on my way to the airport. I'm not gonna describe these tours in detail for fear of sounding vain. Or jakun in Malay. Plus, the landscapes that I saw are not something that you can't watch on movies like Sleepy Hollow or Pride and Prejudice. I love them all, nevertheless. Forever framed in my memories. Reading is a nice town, not too crowded and "foreign". Hehe. Faiz fulfilled her promise to bring me to three outlets - which also made my trip this time around worthwhile. Yeeha! Went to Bath Spa Uni and I was really taken aback. I was awed with the greenery and the Englishness of the place, yes, but let's just I felt really ambivalent. Hehehe. Faiz teased me endlessly about it. Conversations that ensued after the Bath trip always revolved around a horse - that I'd have to own one in order to survive there.

I think I'm just gonna recap my trip this time under these two headings.

Things I missed while in UK (in no particular order):

My family

Izzy

Korean drama

Muse

Things about UK that I will miss dearly (in no particular order):

Cool breeze kissing my cheeks

(Faint) din caused by Hassan and Faiz in the morning, getting Hakem ready for school

Yellow-and-red-trees landscape

Shopping with Faiz

Asda

Reading buses

Outlets

Charity shops

Costa's coffee and sticky toffee pudding muffin

Caversham's onion bhaji

English tact-courtesy

Throwing anything that you've got into the pan to cook up something

The never-ending pavements

Hiding the insecurities I feel about my body under a jacket

Power-walks around Reading

UK X-Factor

Cath Kidston's cutie stuff
Hakem's mint tea

Elderly couples holding hands and supporting each other

Some images that I captured:

Can I have these in my bedroom?

Can I have these everyday, please?

“I fall in love with Britain every day, with bridges, buses, blue skies... but it’s a brutal world, man.” ~ Pete Doherty

Strange Conversation With My Muse III

2011-09-19T20:20:00.003+08:00

Once upon a time in history....

Me: (Fuming) So, tell me about this female buddy of yours?
Muse: Well, she comes from a rich, broken family, bla..bla..bla...
Me: (Listening attentively)
Muse: ....She even cooked for her boyfriend....
Me: (Eyes rolling and thinking: Don't I do that for you sometimes?)

Moral of the story: A woman would do things that she normally wouldn't do for the person that she loves.

The Nut Graph

2011-08-20T00:59:00.000+08:00

History, though, shows us that the people who end up changing the world—the great political, scientific, social, technological, artistic, even sports revolutionaries—are always nuts, until they’re right, and then they’re geniuses. ~John Eliot, Ph.D.

Apps available for Androids or iphones or whatever computer-cum-smart phones out there, can do wonders. Really. Like the Zombie Booth. I almost fainted when I saw my Zombied face. I've never seen anything so hideous! And so funny (this realization came after I overcame my paranoia).

The use of Apps has got me thinking. Those geeks out there should really come up with an App for people like me. Believe me, if I could come up with it myself, I would. Well, for ease of reference, let's tentatively call this App - The Nut Graph. It's an App that would record the high and low points in my life in the form of a graph. Like those bell-curve graphs you did in Physics or Add Maths.

The rationale for this App is plenty.

1. It will help me monitor my PhD-induced mood swing. Like, if I see that I'd been low for about three days,then I know that I gotta do something about it. Like talk it out with someone or something. Or try as much as I could to make my graph go up. Like talk it out with someone or something. Or try to see when I've actually reached those high points and identify the reasons why. Things happen for a reason. For all I know my graph is declining simply because I've got my menses. Or my supervisor has trampled on my ego. Or both.

2. It will be a reminder of how lonely and treacherous the 3 or 4 year journey has been. I'll probably be able to see the funny side of it after 10 years.

3. It will help reduce hair fall. I would really love to think that the excessive hair fall I've experienced lately is due to the journey I'm undertaking. Not because life's catching up. I think this App will save me a trip to Yun Nam Hair Care in future.

4. It would also help if this App could give me a slap in the face whenever I'm slackening or feeling like aborting my more-arduous-than-I'd-expected study.

Hey you geeks out there, this is a challenge, yaw!!! Bring me the Nut Graph!!!

Rakish Inc. II

2011-07-31T23:08:00.000+08:00

Okay, times have changed and so has my list of hunky guys - God's gifts to my imaginary Planet Rakish - where yummylicious hunks rule (and covet my delicate sensibilities...)!

1. Josh Holloway.

Yup, you're still my No. 1!

2. Go Se Won

Encik Park Yang Hebat...!

3. Jang Hyuk

You can be my Slave, and my Hunter...!

4. Takashi Sorimachi

Here's one of the reasons I look East!

5. Joe Manganiello

You can have my True Blood anytime!

6. Takeshi Kaneshiro

Another Japanese gift to women!

7. Patrick Dempsey

Yes, ain't gonna tire of this McDreamy..!

8. Daniel Wu

Yup, you're still in the list!

9. Lee Byung Hun

IRIS me!

No...Yes...

2011-07-27T10:50:00.003+08:00

No,
I don't wanna clear the air on the issue
I don't wanna sacrifice my peace of mind
I don't wanna face reality
But most of all...
I don't wanna rock the boat

Because the boat is all I have.

Yes,
I guess I'm stupid
I'm a dreamer
I keep up an easy facade
But most of all...
I'm a repressed romantic

Because I'm good at holding back.

Strange Conversation With My Muse II

2011-07-20T15:52:00.000+08:00

Muse: My maid wants to work for other people when my dad is no longer around.

Me: Huh? Why don't you just continue to employ her?

Muse: Me? Whatever for? I can take care of myself.

Me: Ok, then let her work for me...

Muse: *incredulous tone* What do you need a maid for?

Me: [Choose the best answer. The right answer can be found at the bottom, scroll down.]

          A. Err... you know how I don't fancy doing housekeeping. I 'd
                rather cook  than do that kind of chores....

         B: So she can take care of my kid (or kids) when I go to
               work...

                                                             .
                                                             .
                                                             .
                                                             .

Answer:
A. This was the answer given.
B. This is the real answer (in my head).

My (Tentative) New Profile

2011-07-18T15:13:00.009+08:00

Pandan is exiled from government service, forced to sharpen her critical thinking and emotional endurance for three years. A typical day in the life of Pandan would entail her sitting at a desk either at home or at the library in the heart of the city, engaging in dialectical monologue with the likes of Karl Marx, Greg Garrard, Edward Said, Lawrence Buell, Aijaz Ahmad, Pablo Mukherjee, to name a few. In between this commonly-perceived intelligent undertaking, she also juggles thoughts of quitting her job, dying, and retiring early. She has keen interests in literature, Korean culture, culture, traveling, performing arts and history. A recent event that happened in the country, coupled with unintelligent news-reporting in the media, have resurrected a storm of patriotism in her inner-self as well as helped her revise how the current Malaysian society has evolved. Politics fascinates her actually but that does not mean she harbors an ambition to get involved in it. Pandan also considers herself a repressed romantic, a fact she attributes to her muse.

Strange Conversation With My Muse

2011-07-17T20:42:00.009+08:00

Me: I wanna retire early. Maybe at 50.

Muse: *in incredulous tone* What for? Watcha gonna do?

Me:I wanna stay home. Bake cakes. Read all those great novels I've bought but don't have time to read.

Muse: *even more incredulous, laughs a bit* You wanna stay home just to read???

Me: Yup! *starts imagining picking up her kids-to-be from school*

Intrinsic vs. Instrumental

2011-07-09T17:06:00.008+08:00

We never know the worth of water until the well is dry ~ English proverb

A recent encounter with environmental ethics left me thinking about the distinction between instrumental and intrinsic value; value being the worth one attaches to something. A thing is considered to have instrumental value when it becomes useful to other things. Land, for example, becomes useful when it can be worked on. On the contrary, a thing has intrinsic value when it has value in its own right, regardless of its usefulness to other things. Forests, for example, have intrinsic value because they have value in their own rights, not because they serve as the sink for CO2, they provide timber, they are homes to the indigenuous people and so on.

Our anthropocentric conditioning has made it hard to look at things intrinsically. We don’t have to talk about forests to understand this. Take a person who befriends someone because that someone is rich and knows all the right people in the industry. Take a wife who accepts physical and mental abuses and eventually succumbs to AIDS because she loves her drug-addict husband whole-heartedly.

How many times, when we fall out with the person we love, we hurl questions like: ‘What is it that I haven’t done for you?’ ‘Haven’t I spent enough time with you?’. Or, ‘Haven’t I done what you wanted me to do?’. How many times too, when we fall out with a friend, a colleague, or a family member, or when we don't get recognition for what we've done, we rant on and on about all the sacrifices that we have made? Why so calculative? Why put the instrumental value tag on ourselves and the people around us? Why can’t we just accept ourselves and the people around us, with all the weaknesses and strengths that the word ‘accept’ implies? And why are we quick to overlook or forgive the weaknesses of family members rather than friends’? Blood ties are an exception? Blood ties have intrinsic value? No blood ties, therefore we only have instrumental value? This reminds me of many cases whereby a wife(= no blood ties) is divorced or forced to relent to polygamy simply because she can’t bear children (the wife has value only if she can bear children = instrumental value). I guess it’s easier to cut out people from our lives, especially those with no blood ties whatsoever, once they cease to have instrumental value.

So, with this dichotomy between instrumental and intrinsic value, how do we explain how we relate to other people? Putting too much of intrinsic value to a person may backfire on us. We’ll probably get hurt or betrayed or taken for granted. On the other hand, putting too much instrumental value to a person is not good, either. A person is not a commodity where we can label what they are good for (even though when we speak fondly of a person, we tend to highlight their good side). When it comes to the person/people we care about, we would normally tolerate their weaknesses. In fact, sometimes we just ignore them. Or put up with them till we hurt so much. Loving someone in spite of (their weaknesses) rather than because of (their strengths) sounds easy enough. I’m all for this, but have to really proceed with caution. We can love all we want but don't let that love destroy ourselves. I'm not sure whether putting instrinsic value or intrumental value to ourselves and the people around us is a good thing. Maybe we can, but not too much. Too much of instrumental value will make us self-appointed, selfish judges. Too much of intrinsic value will leave us frustrated. But I believe we should love ourselves first before we love somebody else. Not the narcissist kind of love, but a humane one. Just as we can’t make somebody healthy by being sick, we can’t make somebody happy by being unhappy. Likewise, we can’t love somebody if we don't love ourselves first.

I Love You

2011-04-20T00:36:00.012+08:00

I am convinced that material things can contribute a lot to making one's life pleasant, but, basically, if you do not have very good friends and relatives who matter to you, life will be really empty and sad and material things cease to be important. ~ David Rockefeller

I love you.

I haven’t heard this for a long time. But when it was uttered by two dear female friends recently, I was shocked and couldn’t believe my ears. Did I hear correctly? My heart stretched like a huge garden of blooming and dancing tea pink roses. Kinda like the ad for Flora Gucci. See the video above. Yup, that’s a very apt imagery. Not to mention hyperbole. Hehe. But who cares? Maybe I need a hyperbole once in a while. Especially when it makes me so humbled.

How these words can do wonders to a person varies. Some people may hear them often enough. Some couldn’t care less. But to some, like me, these words can do wonders. Most probably because they were uttered effortlessly. And when I least expected it. Never mind that they were uttered by female friends.

In retrospect, I think this is what people need. Love. Once basic needs have been met, or even when these needs are scarce. It has always been clear to me that wealth or whatever material it is that people think I have or managed to get, is not a good indicator of my happiness. After all, wealth past a fairly basic level does not automatically make people happy. What does make people happy is love, companionship, and engaging in meaningful activities. Treating what I have as a surrogate for happiness is a mistake. People always tell me that I’m doing great, I have what a woman could possibly desire. They have no idea how lonely and depressing it is at times. What’s the use of material when you can’t love or be loved? Is it even wrong to want to feel loved?

To My Muse... (Part XII)

2011-04-09T02:22:00.000+08:00

When your muse says
He doesn't look forward to the future
Because the present is too much to bear
Even with your presence in it
You can only ask
How much more can your ego take
And hope for some divine intervention
Amen.

Finally...

2011-03-10T22:48:00.024+08:00

1. I started writing my thesis.

It’s not a very pleasant experience, time and again I find myself working religiously on it, motivated beyond words. But there are times I just stare at it so hard my heart burns.

2. I confronted my muse.

Again. I’d had all kinds of questions at the back of my mind but chose to ignore them for fear that I might push him. Yes, I was that considerate. Until Facebook reared its ugly head. I guess it just boils down to the fact that when you found someone you want to spend the rest of your life with, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible. I hope my muse understands this.

3. I cycled out.

I used to cycle on Sundays, around my housing area. I got bored after a while. When an ex-student asked me to go on a bike ride in Putrajaya, I was ecstatic! We cycled for two hours up, down, and around the garden. It was F.U.N.!

4. I sat in the UM library for more than an hour.

I’ve always dreaded the thought of having to work in the library but decided to have a go at it anyway after days of unproductive moroseness. Change of environment, Ann said. She was absolutely right. The library can be extremely conducive. If you find the right corner.

5. I got the letter I’ve been waiting for since God-knows-when.

I wrote in to the Dept asking for exemption from the Research Methodology course required for PhD studies. I wrote it the first week of my first semester and got a reply last week, when my second semester is almost ending!!! This, after stalking Kak Asiah (God bless you, Kak!) and the Registrar countless times! And the letter is only two-and-a-half lines long!

Touchy

2011-01-22T23:47:00.000+08:00

“Wah, bestnya tak kerja.” This is a typical response that I get from most people that I’ve met for the past six months. Come to think of it, I enjoy the fact that I’m not working. It’s fun. I don’t have to worry about those make-believe ISO files, for-show publications, and insane office politics, all of which have more or less made teaching lost its appeal to me. So, yup, I need a break from all these nonsense. And there’s no better time than now.

When I look back on my life for the past six months, it has been quite an experience. I spent the first three months reading vigorously and trying to make connections here and there. This was challenging and at times I just went bonkers. I also audited a postgraduate class. It was fun, I couldn’t ask for a better lecturer. But after 5 months have passed, I found myself reaching what a friend has prophesied: the land of the unknown. The phase in my life when everything seems so unsure and nothing is stable anymore. My mind is unstable; my emotion is even more unsteady.

The fact that I stayed at home didn’t help much. Maybe if I am out of the house more often I wouldn’t be such a mess. But I’m not the type who can stay in a freezing library for long. I’m not the type who can study with all kinds of distractions in the background. So home is the best place. A typical day in my life would entail reading in the morning and making notes in the afternoon. But the serenity of the house only serves to amplify the fact that I’m alone in this journey. Somehow, I feel a sense of incredulity, anger and pain at the fact that I’m alone. Of course, a few phone calls to my best friend, mom and sis helped to ease the pain. A few texts to my muse also helped to lift me up a bit. I even found myself buying things that I don’t really need, in the hope that they will make me happy. But why are these not enough?

I’m still sane, though. A fact that I attribute to my faith in God. But I can be very touchy nowadays. The land of the unknown has engulfed me.

2011 Don'ts

2011-01-04T01:57:00.025+08:00

2011 would be a positive year. You will experience a dynamic & vibrant approach in career. It is also a period of growth in money matters.This would be an eventful year in love & marital matters. Diet should be controlled, else food related health problems could come up. ~ 2011 Libra Horoscope ~ http://www.indastro.com/

2011 is here and I’m not going to waste my time recapping 2010. I did that already. What I want to do here is list things that I don’t want to do in 2011. Enough of those ‘What-I-Want-To-Do-in-2011’ crap. Thanks to one of Iman’s friends, what’s his name, who came up with this idea. Cheers! Oh, and Iman, I think you should come up with this list as well. If you're up to it.

WHAT I DON'T WANT TO DO IN 2011

1) Stall my PhD thing.

2) Put on more weight.

3) Stop traveling.

4) Accumulate all my anger and then bitch and cry about it in front of Ann. Or Yat. Or Miza.

5) Forget to save money.

6) Print out all those nice recipes on the Net and forget about them.

7) Bake cakes that crack.

8) Pretend that my wardrobe is not crammed.

9) Stop blogging.

10) Stop facebooking.

11) Keep those make-ups that are more than 3 years old.

12) Keep those shoes that I haven't worn for ages.

13) Stop using Simple Skincare Products.

14) Spend another RM 2200 on my sofa slip-cover.

15) Forget to bring my own bags when shopping on Saturdays.

16) Stop reading.

17) Be accommodating all the time.

18) Stop going to theatre shows/MPO concerts/movies.

19) Stop praying to God.

20) Limiting my options.

21) Put 2 and 2 together and come up with 10.

22) Be less direct about my feelings and expect people to know where I’m coming from.

23) Fear confrontations.

24) Keep on dreaming about hiking up Broga Hill.

25) Stop eating Nasi Lemak Tang Lin.

26) Waiting.

27) Answering tough questions like 'Don't you get lonely living alone?'

28) Continue living alone.

New Year Crazy

2011-01-03T00:47:00.000+08:00

Celebrate what you want to see more of. ~ Thomas J. Peters

New Year's eve is practically celebrated worldwide in a variety of ways, e.g. fireworks, countdown parties and the list goes on. No doubt, the New Year's eve is pretty significant to most people and the symbolism is pretty obvious. I am not the type of person who'd go all out to celebrate it. Parties have never been my thing. Plus, I just hate the idea of crowds. In fact, I don't really remember making a conscious effort to be somewhere on NY's eve. Most of the time I'd have people asking me to join them. If not, I'd just stay at home. On reflection, there have been times that I stayed at home and just watched TV. I was OK with that. There were also times when I had the pleasure of being invited to spend NY's eve with friends and what not. I was OK with that too. But to be honest, my idea of a perfect NY's eve is watching fireworks. I love fireworks! The reason is pretty simple. Chemistry + Art. I can appreciate that. But I guess this whole fireworks-watching would be more meaningful if I watch it with a person/persons that I care about and care enough about me to not let me be alone on NY's eve. Yup, being alone (nowadays) is already hard enough, what more with being alone on NY's eve. The latter is sucky. I realised this recently.

Facebook, Miza and KB (Yes, In That Order...)

2010-12-25T20:40:00.000+08:00

Anybody can read the al-Quran whether one is a Muslim or a non-Muslim and the al-Quran is not owned by the Malays or the Arabs. ~ Nik Aziz (Chief Minister of Kelantan)

I don’t know what to make of Facebook nowadays. There are days I regard it with disdain. I mean, who cares if you just bought a Coach bag. There are days however, I regard it with such esteem. I mean, meeting an old buddy after losing contact for 15 years because of Facebook is downright amazing isn’t it? And I’m not talking about those old school or childhood friends who didn’t waste time adding you as a friend but never made any effort to say hi or reply your message.

Recently I was invited by an old buddy to come over to Kelantan. She is none other than Miza, my housemate back when I was doing my matriculation. We got along well, I think. After all, she was the one who introduced me to nasi kerabu. Hehe. After graduation we went separate ways but that image of a petite, tan, long-haired girl in baju kurong never slips my mind.

I think we became friends on Facebook sometime this year. As the norm in Facebook, we were friends but never said hi or anything like that. I looked at her profile and pics but it was kinda difficult to guess what kind of person she has become after all these years. I could see that she’s teaching somewhere in Kelantan and is wearing a tudong but that was it. So when she asked me to come over to her place, I didn’t know what to make of it at first. Is she bloody serious? But my doubts quickly disappeared when I thought of the happy-go-lucky and unassuming girl that I once knew. Oh, and I’d never forgotten her contagious laugh. Miza, I hope you’re still the same person that I knew, I prayed.

I didn’t hesitate to buy plane tix to KB. In fact I bought it weeks before the day I was supposed to depart. But as fate would have it, she had to attend a meeting in Putrajaya a few days before I was supposed to fly to KB. So we met in Putrajaya. I did the honour of picking her up. It was then that I found out she’s actually a lecturer – teaching linguistics, for that matter! OMG! Linguistics??? And she still loves to see movies! Hehe.

So to cut it short, I went to KB and had a blast! Her bedroom is awesome. It has a balcony!!! I’ve always had a fetish for balconies. Hehe. I don’t know what is it about her room but it is always temperate. No aircond is needed. Perfect for a mid-afternoon slump. Hehe.

Food in KB was awesome! I’ll never forget that keli percik. Oh, did I tell you that I was so besotted with that brass kuali Chef Wan had used on his TV shows? Miza drove me all the way to Rantau Panjang to look for it! But since the price is ridiculous, 270 is the cheapest, I decided not to buy it. My flight tix to KB didn’t even cost that much!

I could see a lot of development projects going on in KB. Miza told me some wonderful stories about politics in Kelantan. Yup, about Nik Aziz and the Sultan of Kelantan and what not. You know, the kind of stories that are never covered by mainstream press. If what she told me is true, then long live Kelantan! God bless Kelantan! There’s something about Kelantan that simply exudes simple life. I like that. KB is quite laid back. I like that, too.

Miza is still the same person. Cool. Funny. But I think she’s more spiritual now. (I prefer the word spiritual rather than religious.) Which is good. She’s spiritual but still unassuming. That’s wonderful! Til we meet again, buddy. I just realized that I’d forgotten to take any pics whilst I was in KB. But that’s okay. I don’t need pics to remind me of the wonderful time and company that I had :).

The Ball

2010-12-19T23:58:00.000+08:00

I say if you're going to take a chance on something, you just go full balls to the wall. ~Toby Keith

I could see the ball

On the other side of the court
It's beautiful

Colourful even

And here I am

Always waving

And anxiously waiting

For it to be passed
But all it does is bounces
And I could only follow
The trajectories
Which never reach this side of the court.

The Dam

2010-11-21T19:37:00.000+08:00

It seems sad that an issue regarding whether or not we need a dam still has to be debated. ~ Jim Metropulos

You want a dam

It can't help but affect the water

That flows further along the way

I find myself downstream

Was I properly considered?

It is truly debatable.

30 Perkara Perempuan Tak Sempat Bagitau Lelaki..

2010-11-12T00:15:00.000+08:00

I came across this very interesting note on FB. I could definitely relate to it but as usual, since it was written by a man, the woman in me just had to respond (not react, mind you). My response is in italics.

30 Perkara Perempuan Tak Sempat Bagitau Lelaki..

Bukan tak sempat, maybe derang harap org lelaki faham sendiri la, buat homework sikit...

1. Bila sorang wanita mengatakan dia sedang bersedih, tetapi dia tidak menitiskan airmata,itu bermakna dia sedang menangis di dalam hatinya.

Mungkin. Sebenarnya nak attention...

2. Bila dia tidak menghiraukan kamu selepas kamu menyakiti hatinya, lebih baik kamu beri dia masa untuk menenangkan hatinya semula sebelum kamu menegur dengan ucapan maaf.

Betul. Ucapan maaf tu boleh menyejukkan hati yang panas!

3. Wanita sukar nak cari benda yang dia benci tentang orang yang paling dia sayang (sebab itu ramai wanita yang patah hati bila hubungan itu putus di tengah jalan).

Kalau dah suka, yg hodoh semua cantek...

4. Sekiranya sorang wanita jatuh cinta dengan sorang lelaki, lelaki itu akan sentiasa ada di fikirannya walaupun ketika dia sedang keluar dengan lelaki lain.

Betul. Kesian lelaki lain tu.

5. Bila lelaki yang dia suka dan cinta merenung tajam ke dalam matanya, dia akan cair seperti coklat!!

Uh. Ye ke. Saya pulak mungkin tak selesa sebab mata kan jendela jiwa. Saya rasa seperti dia membaca saya seperti sebuah buku. Seram! Oh tidak!

6. Wanita memang sukakan pujian tetapi selalu tidak tau macam mana nak menerima pujian.

Suka pujian – betul. Tidak tau menerima pujian – salah.

7. Jika kamu tidak suka dengan gadis yang sukakan kamu separuh mati,tolak cintanya dengan lembut,jangan berkasar sebab ada satu semangat dalam diri wanita yang kamu tak akan tahu bila dia dah buat keputusan,dia akan lakukan apa saja.

Seperti...?

8. Sekiranya sorang gadis mula menjauhkan diri darimu selepas kamu tolak cintanya,biarkan dia untuk seketika.Sekiranya kamu masih ingin menganggap dia sorang kawan,cubalah tegur dia perlahan-lahan.

Betul.

9. Wanita suka meluahkan apa yang mereka rasa. Muzik, puisi, lukisan dan tulisan adalah cara termudah mereka meluahkan isi hati mereka.

Betul. Tambahan: YM & SMS juga memainkan peranan.

10. Jangan sesekali beritahu perempuan yang mereka ni langsung tak berguna.

Betul.

11. Bersikap terlalu serius boleh mematikan mood wanita.

Betul tapi kalau terlalu berseloroh pun boleh mati mood da...

12. Bila pertama kali lelaki yang dicintainya dalam diam memberikan respon positif, misalnya menghubunginya melalui telefon, si gadis akan bersikap acuh tak acuh seolah-olah tidak berminat,tetapi sebaik saja ganggang diletakkan,dia akan menjerit kesukaan dan tak sampai sepuluh minit,semua rakan-rakannya akan tahu berita tersebut.

Betul kecuali bersikap acuh tak acuh tu. Mungkin dia akan bersikap cool je tapi dalam hati dah gymnastic berirama peringkat Olympic tau!

13. Sekuntum senyuman memberi seribu erti bagi wanita. Jadi jangan senyum sebarangan.

Betul.

14. Jika kamu menyukai sorang wanita,cubalah mulakan dengan persahabatan.Kemudian biarkan dia mengenalimu dengan lebih mendalam.

Betul.

15. Jika sorang wanita memberi seribu satu alasan setiap kali kamu ajak keluar, tinggalkan dia sebab dia memang tak berminat denganmu.

Betul. Tak reti bahasa ke?

16. Tetapi jika dalam masa yang sama dia menghubungimu atau menunggu panggilan darimu,teruskan usahamu untuk memikatnya.

Betul. Usaha tangga kejayaan.

17. Jangan sesekali mengagak apa yang dirasakannya.Tanya dia sendiri!!

Betul. Kecuali kamu ada sixth sense!

18. Selepas sorang gadis jatuh cinta,dia akan sering tertanya-tanya kenapalah aku tak jumpa lelaki ini lebih awal.

Betul sangatttttttttttttttttt!!!

19. Kalau kamu masih tercari-cari cara yang paling romantik untuk memikat hati sorang gadis,cubalah rajin-rajinkan tangan menyelak buku-buku cinta.

Tak payah buku cinta la, internet kan ada. Cth: askmen.com. Duh.

20. Bila setiap kali gambar kelas keluar,benda pertama yang dicari oleh wanita ialah siapa yang berdiri di sebelah buah hatinya, kemudian barulah dirinya sendiri.

Bukan gambar kelas je, gambar facebook dah cukup membuatkan dia bertukar hijau...

21. Bekas teman lelaki akan sentiasa ada di fikirannya tetapi lelaki yang dicintainya sekarang akan berada di tempat teristimewa iaitu di hatinya!!

Bekas teman lelaki tiada tempat dihatinya. Hidup mesti diteruskan.

22. Satu ucapan 'Hi/Assalamualaikum' sahaja sudah cukup menceriakan harinya.

Betul.

23. Teman baiknya saja yang tahu apa yang sedang dia rasa dan lalui.

Dan blognya.

24. Wanita paling benci lelaki yang berbaik-baik dengan mereka semata-mata nak tackle kawan mereka yang paling cantik.

Boleh...Boleh belah!!!

25. Cinta bermaksud kesetiaan, ambil berat, jujur dan kebahagiaan tanpa sebarang kompromi.

Komunikasi yg baik juga penting.

26. Semua wanita mahukan sorang lelaki yang cintakan mereka sepenuh hati..

Betul.

27. Senjata wanita adalah airmata!!

Mungkin dulu lah. Sekarang ni senjata wanita adalah pendidikan yang diterimanya.

28. Wanita suka jika sesekali orang yang disayanginya mengadakan surprise buatnya (hadiah,bunga atau sekadar kad ucapan romantis). Mereka akan rasa terharu dan merasakan bahawa dirinya dicintai setulus hati. Dengan ini dia tak akan ragu-ragu terhadapmu.

Ragu-ragu tu masih ada lah...

29. Wanita mudah jatuh hati pada lelaki yang ambil berat tentang mereka dan baik terhadapnya. So,kalau nak memikat wanita pandai-pandailah...

Betul tapi ape pon biarlah ikhlas!

30. Sebenarnya mudah mengambil hati wanita kerana apa yang dia mahu hanyalah perasaan dicintai dan disayangi sepenuh jiwa.

Jangan ambil hati masa nak mengurat/bercinta je ye...

Dreams

2010-10-19T12:23:00.000+08:00

39 Things I Learnt About Life

2010-10-18T00:23:00.013+08:00

1. Patience is a virtue. And a curse.

2. Friends can be disowned.

3. Finishing a run within the time given can give a high that lasts for a few days. Well, two days, actually.

4. Cooking with love is one of the most wonderful feelings in this world.

5. Reading academic books is white-hair inducing.

6. Spending time with my loved ones is therapeutic.

7. Baking is 100% chemistry.

8. No matter how much I care, some people just don’t give a damn. Damn.

9. Having my cat fall asleep in my arms is one of the most peaceful feelings in this world.

10. How I react to what happens to me is only 10%. Positive attitude makes up the 90%.

11. The more I jot down about things I need to do, the more I can get things done.

12. A call or a text or a message that I get on my birthday is a gift, indeed.

13. Giving is noble. Receiving is pure luck.

14. Who I have in life is more valuable than what I have in life.

15. It’s not the amount of time I spend with someone that matters; it’s the quality of that time.

16. Watching national athletes compete in major games can lift my spirit for hours.

17. Fitness can’t be built in a day.

18. When the going gets tough, some friends do stick around and don’t get going.

19. Refraining from consuming calories and burning them are equally difficult.

20. How a man treats a woman depend on the way he treats other people.

21. Wishing things were different will not get me anywhere.

22. People curse far too much in their car. By default.

23. Driving an auto car is not challenging. But definitely more relaxing.

24. Not everyone can appreciate serious, art movies.

25. It’s good to laugh at myself sometimes.

26. It’s better to sing off-key than not attempting to sing at all.

27. Some people just find it hard to say sorry. Their ego just won’t let them.

28. Good parents can produce rotten kids and rotten parents can produce good kids. Even though biology plays a big role in our life, it shouldn’t control our destiny.

29. The older I get, the fewer clothes I could buy. Lack of size. Sometimes not age appropriate, too. Bummer!

30. One’s education isn’t complete until one has learned not to crack insulting jokes.

31. The best compliment ever, is: you look younger than your age.

32. Travelling on my own is much more fun than travelling in a tour group.

33. I still need to refer to the dictionary.

34. Only a diva in every sense of the word can act like a diva. No one else should. It’s just too disgusting.

35. Love someone in spite of.... Not because of....

36. My metabolic rate is slowly detaching itself from me whether I like or not.

37. Always try something new. Like archery. Ouch!

38. Not working is liberating.

39. I still have a lot to learn.

To My Muse...(Part IX)

2010-10-15T01:26:00.005+08:00

For you
I try to be graceful about it
Even if it stretches my heart into disquieting places.

What I Talk About When I Talk About Running

2010-09-27T22:20:00.030+08:00

"In running, it doesn't matter whether you come in first, in the middle of the pack, or last. You can say, 'I have finished.' There is a lot of satisfaction in that." ~Fred Lebow, New York City Marathon co-founder.

That I finished it. This is what I talk about when I talk about running. Nothing else. How I do it, the time I clock in, and did I get a medal or not are largely irrelevant to the present discussion.

Earlier this year, having heard multiple accounts of running from my muse and my buddy, Intan, I decided to take part in a race. There must be something really satisfying about it, I thought. If not, how come two of my favourite people in this world are addicted to it, eh? Hehe.

When another buddy asked me if I’d be interested to run in the Cyberjaya Night Race, I was ecstatic. I’ve always wanted to experience it firsthand but wasn’t really keen at the idea of having a go at it alone. My buddy and I were in the same boat, we’d never ever done this before and would like to run only for the sake of trying something new. I’d also wanted to find out what is it about running that really compel my muse and one of my best buddies. I figured that one of the ways to really understand someone is to try to understand his/her labour of love.

So when the time finally came, I had mixed emotions. 10 km is a long distance. I was anxious and scared. Am I fit enough to finish it? Will I collapse ? I’d never, ever run long distance. At school I used to run short distances and that was it. Furthermore, my health condition is not at its best. Besides my asthma (thank God it is under control), doc has diagnosed that I have symptoms of early osteoarthritis, which explains the pain I experience in my knees sometimes. Result of too much steroid in those asthma medications I’d been taking since I was a kid. Running is definitely not a good idea since it will put a strain on my weak knees. But I told myself I had to try this out. Just once. I also found solace in the fact that my buddy was going to be there running with me.

My anxiety began weeks prior to the run. I did what I could to practice. I ran with my buddy at the UPM jogging track, I went to the gym for my kickboxing and yoga. I skipped rice a week leading to the run. I sought advice from my muse and my best buddy. These were my preparations. Not that impressive but I didn’t care. I wasn’t running to impress anybody. Or to win any medal, for that matter. I was only going to try it out.

And tried I did. I surprised myself by finishing within the time given. It gave me a high for about two days and that was it. But I can now understand why people run. It’s a labour of love – of some kind. Besides the already obvious health and social benefits (and I’m not going to list them here), I guess running gives you the satisfaction of being able to push yourself physically and this knowledge - that you are able to tackle a physical challenge – serves as a much-needed boost to your ego.

Recently I did my second run. 12 km. I don’t know what had motivated me to run this time but I figured I’ve got nothing to lose if I did. Worst case scenario is a few hundred calories. Hehe. Which is good. But my run this time around was different because I did not really prepare myself for it, and I was having my period. My soles were also hurting (need to replace those running shoes). This time too, I didn’t have a running buddy and I was running all by myself. But I finished the run. I couldn’t care less about my timing. Or the fact that I walked most of the time this time around. Or the fact that it didn't give me the high that it did the first time I tried it. What's important is I finished it.

Kau Peduli Kah?

2010-09-17T20:56:00.016+08:00

Aku dah lalui semua perasaan itu. Perasaan itu wujud dalam pelbagai dimensi dan ada pasang surut dan aku dah lalui semuanya. Dan aku tak takut lalui semula sebab perasaan itu boleh menjadi perkara yang terindah jika kena caranya. Kalau aku takut untuk lalui semula lebih baik aku berhenti jadi seorang manusia. Tak perlulah aku kupaskan ciri-ciri seorang manusia tu kan.

Kadang kadang aku benci dengan perasaan ini. Sebab perasaan ini tak pernah membawa aku ke mana-mana pun. Aku pun heran kenapa aku tak putus asa lagi. Kalau lah ada ubat anti-biotik untuk perasaan ini, senangnya hidup aku sebab perasaan yang telah lama bersarang ni akan terus terbantut dan jumud untuk kesekian kalinya. Tamat.

Jadi aku pasrah. Aku malas nak tanya dari mana datang perasaan ni sebab aku percaya otak kerdil aku ni takkan dapat mencari jawapannya. Walaupun perasaan ini buat hidupku kadang kadang jadi tak tentu arah. Walaupun aku jadi separuh gila cuba untuk memahami diri kau. Bersabar dengan keegoan kau. Rela dengan jawapan yang tak pasti dari kau. Semua ni berpunca dari perasaan yang aku ada untuk kau. Dan aku sentiasa ada suara yang meyakin kan diriku, masih ada harapan, kau di landasan yang betul. Ya, aku selalu positif. Aku tak tau dari mana aku dapat kekuatan ni. Tapi sekarang kekuatan aku makin goyah.

Kau peduli kah?

Driving Home

2010-09-15T23:25:00.000+08:00

Home is a place you grow up wanting to leave, and grow old wanting to get back to. ~John Ed Pearce

Everytime I drive home from my place (Bangi) to Johor (Mom’s place), my mom or sis would be calling, asking where I'd reached. This ritual would start even when I’m still at home and if I were, they’d be asking me when I’d leave. When I said I’d leave in the morning, my mom would take it to literally mean around 8. But being the relax-and-no-need-to-rush person that I am, morning could be anytime between 8 -12. 10-12, to be more exact. Hehe.

I’ve gotten used to this ritual for years. Those calls mean quite a number of things to me. One, I feel like they really miss me. Two, they can’t wait to see me. Three, I feel like I’m really wanted. And four, I feel like I’m important to them. Clearly, I enjoy this ritual and look forward to it every time I drive home. I’d be somersaulting inside when I get calls from my mom or sis. Hehe.

This ritual stopped, however, the second last time I drove home. My niece had just been born and I was so eager to see her. So I drove home. To my dismay, the calls that I’ve been waiting for didn’t come my way. Everybody forgot about me at that time. The blow to my ego was incalculable. I felt betrayed. Hurt. Uwanted. As I neared my mom’s place, I called my sis and asked what happened. Why wasn’t anyone calling me???? My sister just laughed. I couldn’t believe my ears!!!

The last time I dorve home was a day before Raya. I’d expected the ritual to have stopped but it didn’t. My mom called! I was over the moon! I guess I’m a sucker for attention, even if it’s just a 30 second phone call. Thanks, Mom. Now that I’m getting older and lonelier, I need this kind of fleeting attention. I’m selfish this way.

2010 3Q

2010-08-30T14:30:00.011+08:00

“The remarkable thing is we have a choice everyday regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. We cannot change our past... we cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude. I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% of how I react to it. And so it is with you... we are in charge of our attitudes.” ~ Charles R. Swindoll.

Besides acute attacks of loneliness, the downside of working at home is that it gives me plenty of time to mull things over. Call it sentimentality but this is strictly a self-reflection report and a follow-up to my “Bring It On, 2010!” entry.

1. Earlier this year, I applied for two things. PHD and Promotion. I got accepted to UM within 2 months after I applied, which was like a dream come true. I had planned to go on a study leave in July and there were chances that I might not be able to do this since I was hard pressed for time but it worked out well in the end. I had only two months to apply for the scholarship and the study leave but somehow the cosmos worked in my favour. I am now officially a student again. And now I know how it feels to be a student. I’ve been in the teacher’s seat for so long sometimes I forget/overlook the 'other' seat.

2. The promotion didn’t fall through, though. I applied and after 4 months of waiting, they told me I didn’t get it. This is expected, I accept it but I’ll never forget these three things: the gruelling hours I spent just to fill in the application forms, the condescending ambience in the interview room, and the help rendered by my muse. I’ll cherish the last one forever! I almost burst into tears after he handed me the box full of copies of my work, and I said to myself: you don’t have to do anything else after this except to give me your heart!

3. For the first time in my life, I took part in a run. The Cyberjaya Night Run. It was my friend, Jee's idea. At first I thought she was just kidding but when she registered for it, I knew then that she was dead serious! Since this was our maiden run, we went for the 10 km run. Time given: 1 hr 30 mins and we both did it! Until now, I couldn't believe I did it within the time given! I didn't train hard anyway: A couple of weeks before the run, Jee and I ran (not religiously, mind you) at the UPM jogging track. Besides this minimum and playful training, I went to the gym as usual (twice or thrice a week). A week prior to the run I skipped rice, fearing that I'd bee too heavy to run. I met up with my buddy, Intan, and asked for some tips since she's been running seriously for the past one or two years. I also consulted my muse, who's a pro already, a few times. On the day of the run, my trainer did some power stretching for me (I really didn't enjoy it but thanks anyway, dear). And thank God, these seemed to help. I clocked in 1 hr 29 mins. I felt euphoric! Like I've achieved something. Hehe. It was a great experience!

4. I’ve transformed my study at home! The whole process took a couple of months. I started by purchasing a lap top. Followed by installing wi-fi. Then I started a mega spring cleaning and ended up giving away 4 boxes of books and magazines to an ex-student of mine, which were a relief and a pleasure at the same time. A trip to IKEA ensued and I got myself a nice, decent bookshelf to add to the already existing one. A laser printer completed the transformation. My study is now fully equipped and transformed!

5. I’ve never done a lot of reading as I’ve done for the past 2 months. I might love reading but reading academic matters is truly challenging, mind-boggling, exhausting and white-hair-inducing but it’s not like I have a choice. I came up with another blog in conjunction with this intensive reading – just to make sure I take notes and these notes won’t be lost. It’s a private blog, though. I worry about unscrupulous people.

6. I welcomed my new niece, Qaleesha Amanda on 8 July. Her arrival was not without a lot of tests, though. First, the difficult delivery that my dear sis had to endure. Then the jaundice that had inflicted her for almost 3 weeks! I recently taped my mom giving a bath to the baby and I cry every time I watch this video. My mom’s face and gentle actions emanated with soooo much unconditional love that I just wish it was my baby. In future, will my mom be able to hold my baby the same way she was holding my niece? I hope she lives long enough. Please don’t go yet, mom.

7. I’ve revealed a fact about myself to my muse and it gave me a huge relief. It’s a fact that I’ve been holding back from him all this while, kinda like a luggage I’ve locked and kept in the closet for so long. I have my reasons for not telling him, but I guess the most important one is I want to make sure he likes me for who I am, regardless of the luggage I have with me.

Except for the promotion thing, things seem to be looking up this year. What’s in store for me in the last quarter of this year is still a mystery but I hope to sustain a positive attitude through it all. I must!

Muse-Affected

2010-07-07T23:31:00.014+08:00

Jostle and shove,
Birds and bees,
Be strong my love,
In time of adversities.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Jingle bell,
Jingle all the same,
Fare thee well,
For I'm not the same :(

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Belly belly,
Pow wow,
I am happy,
In the here and now.

*Certain things that my muse does or say affect me. Naturally. Sometimes things that happen to him also affect me, for days at times. Enough said.

Random Thoughts

2010-07-07T23:15:00.010+08:00

Land rover,
Land mower,
Can't get over,
Vacay is over.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Stomach crunch,
Pot belly,
Had lunch,
But still hungry...

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hot bun,
Pizza pan,
Run run,
As fast as we can!

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hold up the glass,
Cheers to everybody,
Last day of class,
And I am happy!!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Rumah urut,
Belum bukak,
Kenyang perut,
Ngantok la pulak...

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Naik beskal ke Kuala Muda,
Jarak jauh menguji mental,
Hati gembira dapat banyak offer,
Masalahnya boleh kah aku handle?

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Tigers roam,
Preys rally,
What is home,
If not a sanctuary?

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Weather bad,
Hard rain,
Neither glad nor sad,
Am a student again!

* My thoughts, normally crossed my mind when I was in the office.

Out of Town

2010-07-07T23:01:00.009+08:00

Silence echoes,
Everything's a bore,
Putting on kilos,
And still wanna have more!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Bells clang,
Heart racing,
Hey Penang,
I'm coming!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dancing petunia,
Playful bee,
Hail Korea,
Hail to thee!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Stiff gait,
Swing and sway,
Can't wait,
For the vacay!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Give me a kiss,
Give me a whisper,
Oh what a delight it is,
To bask in the glory of Old Melaka!

*The excitement of a vacay, or a trip out of town begins as early as the idea is conceived.

Bitching About Work...

2010-07-07T22:38:00.008+08:00

Low perk,
Heart sinking,
Back to work,
Tomorrow morning!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I don't like it here,
Something about this place
A discouraging atmosphere,
Like an evil grin on an unfriendly face.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Diamonds bling,
And girls glee,
This ISO thing,
Is killing me!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Buah kuinin,
Atas kapal,
Hari Isnin,
Memang sengal!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

An apple a day,
Keeps the doc away,
What is Tuesday,
If not a stressful day?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Love is bliss,
War is woe,
Whatever it is,
I can't wait to go.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Boy and girl meet,
Boy and girl vomit,
So many forms to submit,
Packed with hope and shit.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sambal petai ikan bilis,
Makan dengan lemak kobis,
Asyik baca tulis baca tulis,
Bila la kerja aku nak habis?

*Nothing beats bitching when it comes to work-related stress. Or boredom.

Weekend Euphoria

2010-07-07T22:14:00.015+08:00

Long pier,
People gather,
Weekend is here,
I can't be happier!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Barn and hay,
Horse and shoe,
Lazy Sunday,
I welcome you!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Iron rod,
Hard clay,
Thank God,
It's Friday!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hot bod,
Makes me sway,
Thank God,
It's Friday!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Keropok lekor keropok tamban,
Masuk perut jadi lumat,
Dalam hati ada taman,
Berbunga indah di hari Jumaat.

*The thought of weekend is always euphoric!

Pantoum/Pantun

2010-07-07T18:24:00.012+08:00

Never apologize for showing feeling. When you do so, you apologize for the truth. ~ Benjamin Disraeli

Recently, I developed an extraordinary liking for pantuns. I think pantun is lingusitically and aesthetically pleasing and challenging. It's not simply a short poem or a stanza of four lines. As we know, pantun has its own structures; based on four lines of cyclically repeating lines based on ABAB rhyming scheme; with the first two lines serving as the foreshadow of the meaning contained in the remaining two lines. This is a Malay heritage, and shall remain such, I hope.I'll see to it :)
Recently too, I discovered that pantun was indeed introduced to the West by Victor Hugo in his book Les Orientales (1829). I guess he tried to infuse pantun into the literary culture of Europe then, but he was not that successful. Nevertheless, because of him, The West was introduced to this unique form of poetry, and pantun became pantoum.
Lately I've been updating my status in FB using pantun. First I started off with pantuns in Malay, then in English. I noticed that everytime I did this, I would get some feedback from my FB friends. One of them even suggested that I make a compilation of these pantuns! So yeah, that is why I'm writing this. If I don't appreciate my own pantuns, who will? Plus, being explicit about your feelings, frustrations, predicamants and euphoria on FB can be boring. And super vain. Hehehe. At least with pantuns I can be implicit.
I've had numerous pantuns posted on FB, so I guess I'll have to be selective.
Long live pantun!

Waiting

2010-07-03T20:14:00.050+08:00

If you were going to die soon and had only one phone call you could make, who would you call and what would you say? And why are you waiting? ~Stephen Levine

Waiting. Nobody in his or her right mind would want to do this, I’m sure. If it's two or three minutes, it's probably nothing. But 18 years? It's surely exhausting, torturous and nerve-wrecking. Especially if the outcome is a big let-down. But what if it’s the opposite? Is the opposite possible? And if the outcome is positive, is it worth all the heartache and trials and tribulations?

These were the questions that I had in mind when I was reading Waiting by Ha Jin. I had seen this book a couple of times in the bookstore but due to other pressing reading engagement, I resisted the urge to buy it. But the blurb really had a brain-itchy effect that eventually I gave in, picked it up from the shelf, went home and straight away started reading it. It was awesome, simply unputdownable!

Set in communist China from the '60s to the '80s, the novel focuses on Lin Kong, a military doctor who agrees to an arranged marriage. His bride, Shuyu, turns out to be a country woman who looks far older than her 26 years and who has lotus (bound) feet. While Shuyu remains at Lin's family home in Goose Village, nursing first his mother and then his ailing father, and bearing Lin a daughter, Lin lives far away in an army hospital compound, visiting only once a year. Caught in a loveless marriage, Lin is attracted to a nurse, Manna Wu. This attraction however, is not something that Lin or Manna could work on since the regimented communist system dictates every aspect of its comrade’s life, including when or how a person divorces his wife. After 18 years of waiting, Lin Kong and Manna finally get to wed. So, imagine, 18 years of waiting and 18 years of unconsummated love! If I were Manna, I’d probably go bonkers by the end of the first year!

Ha Jin’s style is awesome. He doesn’t meddle much with the characters’ thoughts; he doesn’t waste time giving too many details; he infuses humour when necessary; and he doesn’t feel compelled to write like other Western writers. If this was a work of a Western writer, I’m sure it would not be as engaging and believable. One, it'd be saturated with too much Western values. Plus, I don’t think there’d be such thing as unconsummated love; sex will eventually triumph!

Well, getting back to my question earlier: Is the outcome worth all the heartache and trials and tribulations? Manna would agree to this 100% but not Lin. He’s elated with the fact that he gets to marry a woman of his own choice alright, but he also has a new set of headaches waiting for him. One, he’s a bit too old to enjoy sex. Two, too old to be a father to twin boys. Three, Manna has a heart problem and might die soon. Four, his filial wife whom he’d divorced is waiting for him to come back to her! This is what I like about the story, waiting is not restricted to Manna and Lin only, but also the wife, a twist that awaits at the end of the story!

Well, Manna and Lin is not the only couple that had to wait for 18 years! Some had to wait 19 years, as exemplified by Hong Kong celebrities, Tony Leung and Karina Lau. I don’t keep tab on what they do but I do know that they dated for 19 years before getting married in 2008! ! They must have their own reasons for getting married that late but I’d heard that Tony was advised by a clairvoyant or something that his career would be affected if he marries before he reaches 40! Their relationship is not without trials and tribulations, though. For instance, when Karina was kidnapped and raped by one of the Hong Kong triads and naked pictures of her were circulated in the media, Tony stayed by her side faithfully.

What amazes me about these two stories (one is imagined and one is real) is the degree of patience involved. I am not sure whether I could wait that long. But I suppose if you really love someone, anything is bearable, even if it means waiting. Which brings us to the question: Why does a relationship have to end with a marriage, anyway?

In describing relationships, I think Mark Knapp (2000) had done a wonderful job. He proposed that relationships normally go through five stages:

1. The initiating stage

This is when people in a potential relationship interact with each other. This is simply the "hello, how are you, it's nice to meet you" stage in which people make preliminary judgments about each other, such as "he seems friendly" or "she seems interesting."

2. The experimenting stage

This is when people try to get to know each other better. They would have small talks and would nromally cover a wide variety of topics. This is the stage when each party holds an “audition”, so to speak, to help them identify areas of similarity that would help advance the relationship.

3. The intensifying stage

People increase the information they disclose to each other such as how they feel towards the other person. This step may make them feel more vulnerable because their disclosure can potentially be rejected by the other person. For example, one person may be ready to say "I think I'm falling in love with you," but the other person may not have reached this level of feeling, yet.

4. The integrating stage

People begin to arrange their daily lives around each other and become involved in each other's personal and social spaces. The relationship begins to become visible to others. Interaction increases in frequency (e.g., daily telephone calls instead of weekly ones), and references to past conversations increase ("Remember when we…").

5. The bonding stage

This stage signifies a formal commitment to the relationship. This involves actions such as getting engaged, moving in together, or getting married.

It is important to remember that Knapp’s model is descriptive, not prescriptive. In other words, this model does not describe what should happen in a relationship; it merely describes, which is fine with me since I think this process has been recurring since time immemorial. Time has witnessed, countless times, that people in relationships regardless of epoch, culture and sexual orientation go through the same rituals. Why relationships had to go through these stages beats me but I believe God has ordained it in such a way. Trust God The All-Knowing.

Where my relationship is concerned, I guess I’m still waiting (not complaining, though). I’ve gone through Stage 1, 2 & 3. In fact I think I am now at Stage 4. But then maybe I am moving back and forth between Stage 3 & 4. I don’t know whether I’ll get to Stage 5 or not but I pray I will. That’s how positive and committed I am in this relationship. Of course, I can only talk on behalf of myself but not the other party. I just hope I don’t have to wait for 18 or 19 years :-) !

Anyeong Haseyo...!

2010-06-04T21:43:00.120+08:00

I shall make that trip. I shall go to Korea. ~ Dwight David Eisenhower (34th USA President)

Phewwww!!! It's been a while since I updated my Travelogue. By right, I owe a couple of entries already. The 2009 US trip, for instance. The 2009 Bangkok trip. OMG! But then, I think there's nothing much to talk about where the former is concerned. Other than the ecstasy of shopping and ga-ga-ing over the super-sexy chippendales, what else is there to talk about? As for the latter, I can't remember much other than the sinfully delicious food and the bubbly Indian professor I met at a conference. Plus, it's not like it was my first time in Thailand.

I have been toying with the idea of visiting Korea for a long3 time. The reasons are plainly obvious:

1. I need a vacay!

2. KBS has romanticized Korea way too much!

3. I haven't been to the Far East!

4. Japan is way too expensive!

5. Aida has volunteered to be my traveling partner!

I am overly overwhelmed about the idea of writing this entry. I mean, how do I begin? Aida suggested I write based on Day 1, Day 2 and so on like I normally do. Sounds great but I'm sorry, buddy, I think life's catching up and my brain is not what it used to be nowadays. Maybe in future when I travel I'll need to bring a NetBook or something similar so that I can jot every little detail on a daily basis. So what I'm gonna do is: divide this entry into a few headings and hope that my memory will perk up...

Day of Arrival

We arrived at the Incheon Airport in the morning, around 7. Aida has booked an ensuite room at a guest house in Seoul, we followed the directions that I'd printed out (after consulting two not very helpful ladies at two info counters), and voila, we were on a bus! Incheon to Seoul was quite a distance and the ride took about an hour. No wonder the price of the tix was almost 10,000 won = RM 30sthing. We were lost when we got off at the specified bus stop, but thanks to the two Koreans we consulted, within minutes, Danny, the guy from the guest house, came to pick us up. The two guys were not hesitant at all about using their handphones to contact the guest house and speak on our behalf. The directions that I'd printed out did mention this fact, and I was impressed! While waiting for Danny at the guest house to fetch us, I looked around and saw mostly teens, hanging out at this place which we found out later was Hyehwa. It's a hip, trendy area that resembles/reminds me of Europe. In fact, when we had lunch later on that day, it hit me that if I combined Europe and Singapore, I'd get Korea.

The guest house impressed us. Well, initially anyway. There was this common area, the living room, where we could read and use the computers with free internet. There was the common kitchen which was pretty neat and equipped with phones. Danny gave us a lenghty explanation of how to get about in Seoul. But the ensuite room failed to impress us. I could tell from the look on Aida's face. She looked mortified. Hehe. But I didn't say anything. It was her idea anyway. Hehe. Prior to Korea, I've never, ever stayed in a guest house. I didn't even know what ensuite meant. The room that Aida had booked was really a basic room - two single beds and a small kitchen counter, with a basic bathroom. Aida had booked for two nights. Since Danny asked for cash, and the term of payment was only cash, we decided to upgrade to a hotel for the third night. This way, we could use the credit card and not the cash we'd brought. One night charge at the guest house was 75,000 won = RM 225! If we were to stay there for a week, we'd be burning big holes in our pockets. I mean, really big holes till we're left with no cash. Can't have that!

The funny thing about our first day in Korea was, we slept till noon! No kidding! Aida as usual had been working late nights, was really exhausted and was really3 in need of a long rest. Somehow I was tired too. So we slept for a couple of hours till noon...!

Our first meal in Korea was pizza and pasta. It was yummy and filling. I think it cost us around 20,000 won = 60 RM! We had no choice since Hyehwa is a very Westernised township and we dared not try Korean food yet. Plus, Korean food was nowhere in sight. After the late lunch, we decided to just hang around in Hyehwa. We wanted to take it easy. Plus, by this time, I had been sneezing badly. Like, every two to three minutes without fail. Aida, too, till we had to buy anti-sneezing-pills at the pharmacy. The room which we stayed could have allergents that were responsible for our condition, come to think of it. Consumed with paranoia, I prayed really hard that I won't get sick the rest of the trip. That night, we didn't waste time and so sat in front of the computers, frantically looking for hotels in Seoul, much to the chagrin of Chang, a staff at the Guest House, who was sitting at the computer table next to ours...hehe. But he was a nice, friendly chap. Even though his English was broken, he tried very hard to answer my questions. He was also quite curious about Malaysia :)

Sight-seeing

Korea is a beautiful country. I've always thought so. Those images that I'd seen on KBS simply came alive as the airport bus blasted through Incheon. We did a lot of sight-seeing too when we took a bus to get to Gapyeon, from which we took a ferry to Namiseom or, Nami Island. There's a lot of hype about this island since they filmed Winter Sonata. So yeah, we spent half of the day there, just walking around the island, enjoying every bit of the lush and romantic scenery. It's been like 10 years I think since they filmed Winter Sonata there so the island was like really3 commercialized but it's still beautiful and serene. The trees were magnificent!

Getting to Nami was a bit of a problem since the guys we consulted at the hotel didn't really give us step-by-step directions. Googling helped but by the time I got a very clear sense of how to go there, I was exhausted! I was also worried that it was going to be another wild goose chase, like when we hunted for the supposedly cheap-but-nice brooches (I'll get to this point later). Accounts about trips to Nami were plenty but they were not detailed enough and I really had to put two and two together and come up with exactly four. So, I'd like to take this opportunity too, to detail out how to get to Nami. I hope this would be helpful to future Nami enthusiasts who have nothing to guide them except Google:

Take the train to Gangbyeon station (Line 2). Dong Seoul Bus Terminal is just next to this station. That is where you will be heading as soon as you get off the train. The bus terminal looks like a mall, seriously, and nothing like a bus station, so don't be alarmed. Buy tix to Gapyeong. It should cost about 6100 Won. It takes about an hour to get to Gapyeong so in the mean time, enjoy the view. When you reach Gapyeong Intercity Bus Terminal (it's a small town bus terminal so don't expect anything fancy), take a cab. Just say you want to go to Nami and the taxi will bring you to the Naminarian jetty. This takes about 5 mins. At the jetty, take the ferry to Nami and you can start crooning the Winter Sonata song...

Truth be told, I think we did a lot of sight-seeing in the subway, since this was our main mode of transport in Seoul. Hehe. In the train, we were like the odd ones. Population on the train was homogeneous so once in a while we were stared at (mostly by the elderly). Not in a condescending way, but more like in a way that said i-wonder-what-you're-doing-here-kid?. Talking about the elderly, we noticed that elderly women in Korea had more or less the same haristyle..short and permed. Aida and I deliberated a lot on this and summed up that they probably thought that it's the ultimate answer to their receding hairline! We hoped that we won't have to resort to the same method once we grow old. Hehe. Majority of the Koreans dressed well, nothing too kinky or sexy. But the young adults really3 favour high heels. I don't know how they survive those numerous stairs at the subway. I surely can't. That would be comitting suicide...

On a more serious note, we practically went to every place Danny had suggested. Itaewon, for instance. A Korean version of Bangsar, no doubt. Anyways, we were pleased to see a mosque at Itaewon. Aida said the Malaysian government had donated some money in the 70s to help with the construction of the mosque. Well done! We didn't really get to see the mosque up close but we saw its dome and towers. It looked like a big mosque.

Myeongdong. It's a very hip, hectic and happening place. Kinda like the Orchard Road in Singapore. You don't see anything here except shops, malls and restaurants. During the last few days in Korea, this was the place we frequented for meals because all kinds of restaurants can be found here. Whilst at this area, it became apprent to us is that Korea has a lot of its own make up brands such as Skin Food, The Face Shop, Nature Republic and so on. These make up shops line practically every street in Myeongdong. Competition is really stiff! These brands use famous male artists in Korea to endorse them e.g. Rain for Nature Republic. That guy from Winter Sonata for The Face Shop. Kinda weird since I don't think men's skin and women's skin are similar biologically, but it's interesting, nevertheless, because you'd normally see male artistes endorse products for men, female artistes for women products, you know, each to his/her own. But not in Korea :)

The trip to the museum near the Geongbok palace was mindblowing. I really3 enjoyed it. I've always liked history anyways. It's been ages since I went to a museum and whatever knowledge and experience I got from visiting museums were forgettable. The Koreans really took the pains, I think, to house their museums with artefacts and memeorabilia of the nation, as well as full accounts of the history of the Korean people, combining these with technology, producing among others, reconstructed multi media presentation of what it was like hundreds of years ago. Bravo! I really have to admire their record keeping agility, too. Plus, the two museums we'd visited had so many informative, interactive kiosks that serve to enlighten visitors. It was through one of these interactive facilities that we learnt the history of kimchi, how to make kimchi, the nutritional benefits of kimchi, and so on. The list is endless! There was also a kiosk where you could learn simple, functional expressions in Korea such as 'sarang hamnida' = I love you :)

At the royal museum, I found myself relating whatever historical info that I saw and read at the museum with whatever I can remember about The Iron Empress, a histroical drama that I'd watched religously on KBS. The drama now made more sense :). We went to two museums, one was the National Palace Museum of Korea (the royal museum) and the other one was the National Folk Museum of Korea. The royal museum houses everything related to the royal family whilst the folk museum hoses evertything related to Korea as a people. We spent hours in each museum and hours too, at the Gyeongbok palace. I really enjoyed the intricate and colourful carvings and artworks on the ceilings and beams. I wouldn't mind having a house with such. Those histrical dramas that I'd watched on KBS simply came alive :). The palace was built when the Joeon dynasty was founded in 1392. Somehow it has survived time. It was burnt down by the Japanese during the 16th century and even destroyed during the Korean war in the 1950s. Restoration works began in the 20th century and is still carried out until now. We discovered that a fortress wall was built around the palace area, as part of the capital defenses, which extended to about 18.9 kilometres across Seoul. It has a few gate entrances, one of which is located right next to our guest house! It's the Hyehwamun! It then dawned on us that the Seoul fortress wall was really3 long! Hyehwa, where our guest house is located, is really3 far from the palace!

We also went to Seoul Tower. It is not as high as the KL Tower but the view was magnificent, nevertheless, especially at night. The bus would not really take you to the tower. Rather, you'd have to walk up the slope that leads to the tower for a good 10 minutes! At the observatory deck, padlocks and keys lined up the railings. We weren't sure what the purpose is, maybe to give the tower a cutting edge or something, but when we saw couples locking padlocks onto the railings, it then dawned on us that those padlocks are like markers/ symbols for the people/couples who left them there.

What strikes me delighfully is that Korea is a cycling-friendly country. I could see cycling lanes in some parts of the city and especially in the outskirts. Awesome since those lanes in the outskirts are parallel to the rivers. Magnificent!

Food

We were lucky we got to sample some Korean food. Thanks to my ex-student who's Korean, Ha-neul. We met up with her on the second day. We tried dduckpokki. Not sure if this is the right spelling but when you pronounce it, it sounds like dek-puki. Hehe. It's like a steamboat kind of thing. Veges, nooodles, rice cakes and seafood were all thrown in in a reddish soup in a big pot placed on a hot plate at the centre of the table. When the soup boiled, we digged in! It was marvelous! After that, we had kimchi cheese. Whatever little soup left in the pot were mixed with rice, kimchi, cheese and a few other stuff. It was yummy! I've always seen this done on KBS, and thought that it had to be yummy since everytime this is shown on TV, people just go berserk . Now I know why. The best part, according to Ha-neul is scraping the bottom of the pot and eating it with whatever is left in the pot. She was absolutely right!

Well, other than these, we would normally have breakfast at Holly's Coffee, which is a familiar coffee hangout in Korea. You see more of Holly's than Starbucks in Korea. Breakfast set at Holly's comprised of a bagel with cream cheese and a mug of cofee. 4500 Won. When it's lunch, we'd be looking for Italian food, namely pasta and pizza, because these are the only stuff that we could eat! Italian restaurants are abundant in Seoul. In Myeondong and Insa-dong especially, you see one Italian resto after another. I think Koreans are really3 fond of Italian food.

At one time, we took a train all the way to Itaewon to sample some food there. Danny said this place is an international place, famous among the expatriates. True enough, it's almost like Bangsar, with all kinds of restaurants - African, Arabian, Indian, Pakistani, to name a few. Plus, Aida had heard that we could find halal food there. True enough. This place would make a perfect model for a global village. We opted for a Pakistani resto since it had a halal logo. I ordered na'an bread with chicken masala and I was extremely satisfied. The masala was so awesome! The best masala I'd ever tasted! Other than the masala, we once had lunch at an Indian resto in Insa-dong. I had Indian fried rice and it was awesome! Though it reeked of cumin, I didnt mind. It was still awesome!

Shopping

Is not that cheap. Really. Well, maybe stuff like locally-produced make up are cheap. Naturally. Skin Food products, for example, are 50% cheaper than in Malaysia. I had no idea that Skin Food is actually a product of Korea. Until Aida bought some Skin Food stuff for her friend. I've seen one or two Skin Food outlets in KL but I've never felt compelled to try it. Since it's cheaper in Korea, I bought some. Again and again. There's something about the products that just make you go back and buy again and again. Even at the airport, just before departure. Must be the price. Now that I've tried them, I think the products are not bad, they had more or less the same concept like The Body Shop. They just need to improve on three things: English, product description and product usage. They suck in all three departments.

We spent the second and third day shopping. Aida thought that it was a good idea to shop for souvenirs and such so that we could clear shopping from our budget. Plus, at that point, we were not sure how much we would need to spend on other thigns like hotel and food. So, with shopping kicked out of our to-spend list, it would make life easier for us. Malaysians who'd been to Korea always said that you could easily get nice, cheap brooches in Korea. Not so, to our dismay. When we went to Dongdaemun, we didn't find any brooches. Instead we found hats, and shoes and clothes. Dongdaemun is lined with really3 long clothing malls and markets, I 've never seen such long malls and markets. The next day, we went to Namdaemun. We were excited when we saw jewelery markets and stalls there but strangely enough, there were no brooches. Zilch. Null. We went back to Dongdaemun and spent hours tracking every nook and corner looking for brooches but to no avail. It was exactly like a wild goose chase. We were broken hearted, really. Aida ended up buying a blanket for her mom. Blankets and beddings seem to be synonymous with Korea's cottage industry. At this point, I wasn't enchanted with the blanket. But upon staying at Amourex Hotel and seeing that even hotels are adorned with this type of blanket, I began to admire it. It's not as thick as the comforter and not that thin either. I've also seen this blanket, too often as props and settings for most Korean dramas. I began to see its beauty and felt compelled to buy it. Which I did, on our last day in Korea. Yup, we went to Namademun again just to buy the blanket. A funny thing happened. We came across a few stalls selling brooches. We were shocked! We'd spent our money on so many other things, which translates to = not much money left. We were further shocked when the sellers told us they sell in bulk. Wholesale. Forget it, we thought.

Souvenirs are ok, price wise. I got some like the forever-must fridge magnets. Some pencil cases. And a few other stuff for the people I care about. Clothes and shoes are plenty, and quite cheap too but they're not really my taste. They either cater to teens or the elderly. Souvenirs are sold everywhere in Seoul, but to get really nice ones and if you're into paintings and handicrafts, Insadong is the place. It's kinda like Ubud in Bali, I guess.

Seoul also has plenty of sports shops. They're practically every where!

Transportation

Is superb! For someone who doesn't take the public tranpsort in Malaysia simply because it is too awful, I was impressed! All you need is a T-Money Card, kinda like the Touch N Go card here, only much2 better. It can be used on the bus, train and at family marts (Family Mart is Korea's own 7-11). The buses are efficient, on time, and have automated announcements of each stop, which was really3 helpful for people like us. They stop at designated stops and these stops are listed at the bus stops and in the bus! Awesome!

The subway system in Seoul is awesome too! I used to think Singapore has an exemplary subway system but now that I think about it, it can't beat Seoul's. No way! Seoul has 10 train lines and these lines are extremely well-connected. There are plenty of stations where you can change trains. Like the buses, the trains are efficient, punctual and have automated announcements at each stop. The digital signages in the trains are awesome too.They even have announcements whether you should alight on the left or the right side. Plus, from one stop to another stop is not that far. I think the distance between one station to another is less than 1 km. It's like everyone is not deprived of the subway. You can live anywhere and there would be a train station nearby. The only thing that disturbed us a lot was the staircases! Especially at those stations where you could change trains. There are just too many staircases and too few lifts and escalators. Aida counted the number of staircases we have to go through in order to exit the station near our hotel, Wamgsimni. There were 8 altogether! Each time we ascended or descended the stairs we kept on thinking: this is not elderly-friendly, this is not elderly-friendly. Those with knee problems and what not would have difficulties in taking the stairs.

I must admit I was totally clueless about the subway and what not. My map-reading ability didn't help much, too. Aida takes the LRT everyday so she's had a lot of training. And her sense of direction was brilliant, not like mine. Hehehe. But it's not like KL has a wonderful subway/LRT system that is worth mentioning, anyways. But that's enough as a training ground for Aida, I suppose. She trained me well with the subway in Seoul. So she said. Hehe. After 4 days of train rides, my sense of direction was sharpened. I was telling Aida where we should go instead of the other way around. I was proud of myself! Hehe. I'm sure Aida was proud, too. Aida told me that one of the proofs that a country is developed is its transportation system. Looking at the superb subway system in Seoul, I couldn't disagree more! And hey, did I tell you that one of the train stops was called Bangi? I smiled inside everytime I thought of the familiar name :)

Another thing that amazed me was the fact that the train stops at almost all of the universities in Seoul. I think Korea has many universities, they're everywhere! I used to think that Malaysia has too many universities for its own good but when I saw the names of the universities in the map Danny had given to us, Malaysia's universities are just peanuts!!!

Hotels

Are bloody expensive. A standard room in a 3 star hotel would cost 80000 Won = 240 Rm. We stayed at Amourex Hotel after checking out of the cash-only Guest House. It was awesome because there's a really huge flat screen TV in the room and a desktop with free internet access! We couldn't believe our eyes!!! The first night when we checked in, we were given a room with a kingsize bed. We were overwhelmed when we saw the room! It really looked like a honeymoon suite rather than a standard room! It would be a sin if we complained! The second night we had to move to another room, with two single beds. We were not impressed, though the room had the same romantic decor and ambience. It was still nice and comfortable, nevertheless. We found it odd that the bath and toilet are now separated and the sink is located in the room! The bath has a wide window glass which was frosted in the middle so that you can't see the body of the person shwoering in the bath, except the shoulders and the head! It was weird! Anyone taller that 5' 3" would have difficulty showering in the bath woithout having most of their top seen. I had to remind Aida (and vice versa) to not look or glance at the glass window whilst I was showering. I suppose whoever came up with the idea of this kind of glass window had nothing but seduction in mind!

On Departure

By the time we checked out from the hotel to leave for the airport, my right foot was hurting really bad. I had no idea why. I wasn't walking normally. I guess walking non-stop around Seoul and what not had taken its toll on my right foot. But why only right? I was truly baffled.

Nevertheless, I was kinda leaving Seoul with a heavy heart because I don't think I could get enough of Korea. There are so many places that I haven't covered. The charming country side, for example. Jeju Island. Plus, I dreaded the thought of going back to work, which was an inevitably sucky feeling. In a way, I was glad that most of the things that are must-sees in Korea are located in Seoul so we didn't really have to venture out too far. As someone who's passionate about history, culture and literature, I was satisified with the places that we'd covered. Thank God Seoul was and has been the capital of Korea's adminisration and high culture for centuries. I really3 admire the heritage left. The combination of modernity and culture that Seoul offers to its visitors makes it interesting to visit. Plus, once in a while, it's nice to see and experience a culture that is non-Southeast Asian, non-Indian, non-Chinese, non-European and non-American. Korea, sarang hamnida! I don't mind coming back :)!

p/s: Maybe it's just me, but I find uploading photos on this entry a FEAT. I don't know how I did it last time. There are just too many photos now, and I really3 have no idea how to upload all of them without losing my mind! So maybe you can refer to the photos in my FB. I've yet to upload the scenery pics and the like, so maybe I'll have to do that (which would be another FEAT) and write some captions so that everything I wrote here would drive some sense...

To My Muse...(Part VIII)

2010-05-12T22:54:00.015+08:00

Let us be grateful to people who make us happy; they are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom. ~Marcel Proust

I am content

With what you say

And don't say
What you do
And don't do

I am content
And grateful
For the here and now
Even if that is all you can offer me.

Time Is Slow...

2010-03-26T09:09:00.007+08:00

I fly because it releases my mind from the tyranny of petty things. ~Antoine de Saint-Exupery

Time is slow

Patience is dry

I wanna go

And fly high.

*Pantun-inspired. Korea-inspired. Also can't-wait-for-semester-to-end-inspired.

Empty

2010-03-08T10:39:00.018+08:00

Home is not where you live, but where they understand you. ~ Christian Morganstern.

They're gone

The house has never been so quiet

So empty

And so huge

I just had to get out of it fast

What's worse is it's Monday

I didn't think I'd look forward to going to office on a Monday

But today I did

I should be okay by tomorrow

I hope.

Tapioca

2010-02-16T11:26:00.017+08:00

The day I see a leaf is a marvel of a day. ~ Kenneth Patton.

As I lie here
In my bed
I see clusters of tapioca leaves
Through the window
Green and joyful
Oblivious to the heat
Nothing is as perfect

Soon I am lost
In this sea of green
I run and walk
Fly and float
And giggle in my own carefree madness
Yet this faithful canopy
Dances along
And shields
And protects
Until reality jolts me back.

Oh, how magnificent it is
To be under this super shade
I wish you were here, my dear
I wish you were here.

*Segamat 16.02.10*

To My Muse... (Part VII)

2010-02-10T17:08:00.008+08:00

You are today what your thoughts have brought you; you will be tomorrow where your thoughts take you. ~ James Allen

It just so happens that I come back from class

And think about you

I have no inkling of what you're doing

Or even if you're thinking about me

Still it would be marvelous

To think that you do.

Avatar

2010-02-02T17:14:00.035+08:00

This techno word is not new. Pandan first came across this word in the 90s. At that time, YM was the craze and people used avatars to represent them in the chat rooms, most often in the form of customized animation. You choose the face, skin color, clothes, hair, makeup, shoes, accessories and so on. You play God, so to speak. She did this, and that was that.
After watching the blockbuster Avatar recently, she kept on thinking about the word. A quick Google returned a lot of results linked to avatar. Most often, she ended up on some websites that said ‘Create Your Own Avatar’, which was tremendous fun since she got to choose from so many avatars, ranging from plants to sci-fi goddesses. Kinda like escaping from her real self and drifting away, getting sucked into a vortex of her own make-believe world. Hmm…if only that is possible, like in the movie Avatar.

Well, anyways, Pandan was able to recap that an avatar:

1. Is an icon that represents one in the virtual reality (kinda like how a metaphor or symbol is used in literary texts to represent an idea, or like a flag is used to represent a nation).

2. Has a Hindu origin – an avatar is a physical manifestation of God (but of course, over time, this term was borrowed by computer/IT geeks, much like the word Java. Ring a bell?).

3. Can be as simple as a pic of an insect. Once you chose it, it represents you. Kinda like your profile pic in Facebook. Some people put up pics other than their pics so those could be avatars, literally. Depending on whether you want to stay virtual or real in Facebook. Facebook can be real or virtual, depending on one’s intent.

Over the years, Pandan has stuck to more or less the same avatars in the virtual world. One would be:

For obvious reason. Hint: Izzy

Another avatar would be:

For obvious reason, too. Hint: The blog.

The next one would be:

Maybe the reason is faintly obvious. Hint: If all else fails, this would be Pandan's full-time job.

And another one would be:

This would make some people wonder but Pandan guesses that she could identify with the dragonfly and its qualities. If she were to be an insect, this would be it. But wait a minute, this has been her avatar in YM for ages!

And that’s it, folks!

A recent attempt to create her own animated avatar (yup, after watching the movie Avatar) resulted in this:

Cute but not very flattering, eh? Wish the hair and eyes could be darker and boobs bigger. Oops. But that Starbucks styrofoam is cool :)

But upon discovering that she could actually choose the ‘princess’ category in creating her own avatar, she figured that having any of these avatars to kinda represent her would be super duper cool:

The Greek Goddess

(Oh yeah! She could create her own myth!)

The Native American/Dream Catcher Princess

(She'll have the wolves to help with the job.)

The Oriental Princess

(Preferably residing in Korea.)

The Mystical Princess

(But hey, she looks familiar, eh? The long-suffering, hopeless-romantic princess pining for Hang Tuah.)

The Ninja/Kombat Warrior

(Wachaaaaaaaa!!!!)

And lastly, The Fantasy-Futuristic-Lara Croft-Kinda-Tombraider

Uh, if only she gets to be in their shoes for a day, like that guy in the movie Avatar. *please slap her a zillion times*. A movie is a movie, dammit. Virtual reality. Reality. Never the twain shall meet. Get a life, Pandan!

One Hundred Love Sonnets [Sonnet XVII]

2010-01-28T12:23:00.028+08:00

by Pablo Neruda (1904-1973)

I don't love you as if you were a rose of salt, topaz,
or arrow of carnations that propagate fire:
I love you as one loves certain dark things,
secretly, between the shadow and the soul.

I love you as the plant that doesn't bloom and carries
the light of those flowers, hidden, within itself,
and thanks to your love the tight aroma that rose
from the earth lives in my body in darkness.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where
I love you directly without problems or pride:
I love you like this because I don't know any other way to love

except in this form in which I am not nor are you,
so close that your hand upon my chest is mine,
so close that your eyes close with my dreams.

This is a poem by my favourite Chilean poet, Pablo Neruda. Known for his love poems, I like the central idea of this poem that it is just so hard to put into words why you love someone. Irony is at play when the speaker actually describes how, ignoring and opposing traditional cliches/metaphors that stress on tangible and beautiful things. I guess love is what you feel, unconditional, and it transcends everything.

Kombat

2010-01-28T09:56:00.007+08:00

The power inside you is energy amplified. ~Claire Todae

I box

I kick

I lash

At best, I unleash

I don't know when I can stop.

Variation On The Word Sleep

2010-01-26T21:17:00.016+08:00

by Margaret Atwood (b. 1939)

I would like to watch you sleeping,
which may not happen.
I would like to watch you,
sleeping. I would like to sleep
with you, to enter
your sleep as its smooth dark wave
slides over my head

and walk with you through that lucent
wavering forest of bluegreen leaves
with its watery sun & three moons
towards the cave where you must descend,
towards your worst fear

I would like to give you the silver
branch, the small white flower, the one
word that will protect you
from the grief at the center
of your dream, from the grief
at the center I would like to follow
you up the long stairway
again & become
the boat that would row you back
carefully, a flame
in two cupped hands
to where your body lies
beside me, and as you enter
it as easily as breathing in

I would like to be the air
that inhabits you for a moment
only. I would like to be that unnoticed
& that necessary.

This is a poem by my favourite author, Margaret Atwood. It speaks of the need to be with our loved ones; unnoticed, invisible, but necessary. Kinda like the line from Jerry Maguire, but instead of "You complete me", "I complete you, but you don't even notice it, but it's okay because I don't have to be acknowleged in order to love you, I'm content that I am necessary to you as the air that you breathe." Awesome!

The Road Not Taken

2010-01-26T17:19:00.015+08:00

by Robert Frost (1874-1963)

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;
Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

This is one of my favourite poems. Often, we have choices laid in front of us. At some point in time, we have to choose one out of those options, which is not easy and requires careful deliberation. What compounds it is that we know that this option is not a popular one and irreversible. But some people choose this life-changing option anyway, and one day they will look back and brace themselves that they had made this decision.

Incoherence

2010-01-18T10:10:00.013+08:00

The way you get meaning into your life is to devote yourself to loving others, devote yourself to your community around you, and devote yourself to creating something that gives you purpose and meaning. ~ Mitch Albom

My life's not big of a mess

but it's still a mess

I should be depressed

but I hang on.

I hang on by loving

I'm exhausted from loving so well

I should resign

but I can't.

Bring It On, 2010!

2010-01-04T17:30:00.021+08:00

No one ever regarded the First of January with indifference. It is that from which all date their time, and count upon what is left. It is the nativity of our common Adam. ~Charles Lamb

Another year whizzed past! Looking back, I’m proud of some the things I managed to accomplish despite being Bath-deprived. Those who know me well would know that this deprivation has got nothing to do with a bath. The damage to my ego was incalculable. However, I managed to accomplish a few things this past year, which served as balm to my long-suffering, bruised ego:

1. I managed to publish in an international journal! It was really a feat considering I never dreamed I’d be able to publish in an international journal. I've published here and there, but never in an international journal. I’m so grateful to have a mentor at work who’s always willing to guide and share. I owe this to her, really.
2. I got a better score for my teaching evaluation, it’s gone up a few notches, thanks to my kids. It really meant a lot to me! Hard work put into preparing for classes has paid off. What the kids think about your teaching style can truly matter, eh?
3. Another significant achievement was when I got involved in teaching supervision for the first time, something I’ve always wanted to do for a long time. The fact that I was able to share my teaching experience with those teacher-trainees was liberating and rewarding. There’s also something exhilarating about going to schools, seeing those adorable playful kids and being mistaken as the new teacher in school a few times, in the process. Hehehe. I was also transferred back to the time when I was a school teacher (many moons ago) each time I stepped into a school compound (I went to six schools, altogether). Oh well, I guess the older you are, the more nostalgic you become. Can’t be helped.
4. I’ve picked up cooking and baking again. After a long hiatus. This past semester break, I tried so many old and new recipes, local and international. But my favorite was the cupcakes. I'm a sucker for cupcakes, anyway. I’m so glad those babies turned out well. I used to bake cakes and muffins but never cupcakes.
5. I let my guard down and revealed my feelings to my muse. I have never, ever done this before, seriously. I might be wiser (older) now but there are quite a few things that I haven’t done. This was one of them. In the past, I was so used to having guys tell me they liked/were attracted to me but not the other way around. I’ve never been the type to approach a guy first, no matter how much I admire him. But then, there’s always a first time for everything, eh? It was a nerve-wrecking task, further complicated by my fear of rejection (and heart palpitations), but I did it anyway. It was liberating, really. I told myself that this is hardly the Victorian age, this is the postmodern age. I don’t think it’s improper for a woman to approach a guy or to tell a guy that she likes him. In my case, I needed to know. You could say that my curiosity was working overtime. My heart felt over-stretched, too. Moreover, I didn’t want to waste my time and energy admiring, liking, thinking, daydreaming etc. for a guy who couldn’t care less about me.

Oh well, now that the new year has ushered in, I’ve decided to get out of my Bath-deprived melancholic phase. Bath is history now and shall be buried in the deepest recesses of my heart. I now have a to-do list to keep me motivated. You can call it my new year’s resolutions. A lot of people say they don’t have new year’s resolutions but that’s crap, that’s becoming a cliché, really.

1. Despite the crappy, rigid regulations and bans imposed by the university, I’m just gonna be oblivious to them and carry on with my teaching and research. I’m also going to apply for that promotion though I become suicidal everytime I think about the shit I have to go through just to put in my application. I’ve never understood why I have to apply for a promotion. Shouldn’t it be awarded rather than applied? Oh well, I’ll just put in an application even though it’ll take ages to do so. My form-filling phobia will escalate, no doubt. There’s also a possibility that I won’t get it but I wouldn’t be surprised. Post-Bath, just be prepared for another let-down by the over-zealous, over-ambitious university.
2. I’m also going to apply for my PHD in local universities, which I’ve put on hold for so long. I’ve been terribly motivation-challenged for the past year, it’s time for a wake-up call. I’ve now come to terms with the fact that a PHD is a PHD, no matter where you go to get it.
3. Since I plan to go on a study leave this mid-year, I’m determined to transform my study at home. My study is a study by the looks of it but I rarely, rarely use it since I have had no reason to even be in it but I’m determined to transform it into a real study now, internet-connected, in line with my plan to do my PHD (and also to work at home whenever I don’t feel like working in the office). We’ll see. Uh, I feel giddy already thinking about the transformation. It’s going to be fun! But I’ll probably end up broke. There’s that almost 7-year-old lap top that needs to be replaced. I need to get a printer, too. And an internet line. Oh-oh. *Grimace*
4. I need to buckle up on my reading. I’ve been slacking due to my preoccupation with a lot of things. Work. Korean movies. Gym. Cooking. Baking. Since I’ve bought a lot of short story collections lately, I vow to read at least one short story per day. I repeat, one short story per day. Wait, who am I repeating this to?
5. I’m so tired of living alone. I need a witness to my already advancing life, period. But of course, I can’t be overly optimistic about this. I keep on recycling this resolution every year without fail. *Grimace*

Well, anyways, I’ve got a lot of things lined up for me this new year and I’ve never been more positive. 2010, thy shall bring it on and God’s will be done!

38 Things I’ve Learnt About Life

2009-10-27T14:14:00.012+08:00

Live your life and forget about age. ~ Norman Vincent Peale

1. Life is not fair, but not all the time.
2. When in doubt, ask. Or discuss.
3. Facebook has become an avenue for vanity.
4. Revealing your feelings to the person you adore can be daunting especially when you’ve never done it before but hey, if you don’t, you’ll never know.
5. Paying your bills online might not be such a good idea. They are processed slower than those paid at the counter.
6. You don't have to win every argument. Sometimes you just have to stop arguing.
7. It’s OK to tell people you like them. But not vice-versa.
8. Work hard, spend hard, save hard.
9. When it comes to Open Houses, saying no is difficult.
10. You can’t undo your past. But you can do your tomorrow.
11. Don't compare your life to others more fortunate. Compare with those less fortunate.
12. The joy of festive seasons can be marred by unfortunate incidents that befell the people you care about.
13. Getting rid of things or people that you don’t need is liberating. But sad at the same time.
14. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger. And prouder.
15. Texting is both an art and a science.
16. When it comes to going after what you love in life, go in full gear.
17. Wear what you want, not what other people want.
18. If you don’t have anything nice to say about what people wear, just shut up.
19. Charity begins at home, don’t look too far.
20. Dealing with people younger than you can be trying. Console yourself by affirming the fact that they’re younger than you.
21. If people pester you about when you’re getting married, just take it as their way of showing that they want you to enjoy marital bliss and that they mean no harm. It’s a cultural thing. But that doesn’t mean you can pester other people with the same kind of question.
22. What other people think about what you wear shouldn’t matter.
23. It’s never too late to get fit.
24. Working out should be part of your lifestyle.
25. Don't compare your childhood to others’. Results do vary.
26. Family is family. Nothing can change that.
27. What students think about your teaching style can truly matter.
28. Don’t be afraid to speak up during meetings.
29. If you’re tired of shopping for yourself, shop for the house.
30. If you want something really bad and you don’t get it after working hard for it, it’s OK. At least you’ve tried to get what you want.
31. Once in a while, just stay at home and do nothing. It can be fun.
32. Being nice to people that irritate you is hard work.
33. There is not limit to an artist’s imagination.
34. Your Boss is your Boss. Just suck it up.
35. Love takes time, so give it time.
36. Birthdays are best celebrated with your kids in class.
37. Your birthday comes only once a year. Enjoy your day!
38. Your birthday is your day. It would be nice if people that you care about remember you on this birthday but if they don’t, they must have a very good reason or not at all.

To My Muse...(Part VI)

2009-07-24T17:54:00.006+08:00

It is easy to be brave from a safe distance. ~Aesop

Tomorrow

I'll take the road less traveled

And see if it leads to your heart.

Lost in Arcadia

2009-07-20T17:42:00.006+08:00

Love can consign us to hell or to paradise, but it always takes us somewhere. ~ Paul Coelho

After reading Ben Okri’s In Arcadia, I kept on thinking about the writer’s vision of Arcadia. It’s true that the place did exist (as history has proven), and people from all walks of life since antiquity have discussed, imagined, explored, debated, and interpreted this entity called ‘Arcadia’ but ideally, it can only exist in one’s heart. All six characters in this novel have different ideas of what is Arcadia and in the end, the only similarity between these conflicting notions is, Arcadia is just an imaginary idyllic paradise. On earth. You either see it or you don’t. You either feel it or you don’t. Hmm. Nice paradoxes.
The minute I finished reading this novel, I began to question: “What is my Arcadia?” I don’t think my definition of Arcadia is any different from Jute’s definition (Jute is one of the characters). Jute thinks that her work is Arcadia. To have work to do, work that you like doing, is a good thing. Work is where she sings and that is where she is involved with things and people. Occassionally, she asks herself, is she missing something out on life, is she missing the real picture, is there another kind of life she can be living. But then she goes back to work, and carry on, and find some satisfaction in it. Not that she’s a workaholic or anything. She loves her holidays and thinks that travleeing and visiting other countries and seeing other people’s traditions and way of life is a wonderful thing. But at the end of the day, it comes back to work, because if it wasn’t there she wouldn’t know what to do in her life. Simple things matter to her, too. Appreciating what you’ve got, the friends you have, the love you have, the health you have, and the job, too. I concur with all of these sentiments. If Jute’s Arcadia is so simple, so is mine. But I can’t really say I’m in Arcadia now. If my Arcadia comes in the form of a building, it is a building without a door. If my Arcadia comes in the form of a heart, then it is a heart that has a hole. And this door or this hole can only be filled by that someone whom I love for what he is and who loves me for what I am. Sounds corny to the boot but at the moment this is what I need to complete my Arcadia. I’ve found him though, and I love him for what he is, but I can’t say the same on his behalf because I don't know yet. I can only speculate. Maybe he has his own notion of Arcadia and I’m not part of it. Or maybe he’s afraid of the thought of being in my Arcadia.
Another thing that makes me wonder is, if Arcadia is an idyllic paradise on earth, what do you call an excruciating hell on earth? If ‘paradise’ and ‘hell’ are antonymous, what is the antonym for Arcadia? Or is ‘hell’ too big a word to deconstruct into other, similar words?

Note Worthy

2009-07-07T15:17:00.009+08:00

If you can read this, thank a teacher. ~ Anonymous

Now that the new semester has started, I can’t help but think about those notes that my kids will surely leave on my door. As it is, I’ve already got two. If I were to keep every single note I received throughout the 13 years I have been here, I would have bundles and bundles of them and there would be no way that these bundles would not be obstructing the already limited space in my office.

There are actually many reasons why kids leave notes. I've identified four.

1. To ask for class schedule and venue and which group they’re supposed to sign up for. I got lots and lots of these in the past when I taught those English proficiency courses. A common content would be:

Puan, saya pelajar dari Fakulti XXX, ingin tahu bila dan dimanakah kelas XXX akan diadakan.

Yeah, right. When everything is already in the time table book that has been given to you and the schedule is already pasted on my notice board. At one time, after about 10 or so of this kind of notes, I finally put up a big sign on my door (in the same language that the kids have used in their notes):

Saya tidak akan melayan soalan2 yang remeh temeh seperti kelas dimana, pukul berapa, dan hari apa. Sila rujuk kepada jadual waktu di papan kenyataan saya (dikiri anda).

2. To ask about assignments. I seldom get this type of notes but here’s one good example:

Dear Madam,

If you want to give me back my assignment, I don’t care. If you don’t want to give me back my assignment also, I don’t care.

Err, did you mean I don’t mind?

3. To ask when will I be free so they can ask me about things other than class schedule or assignments. I can get annoyed sometimes especially when they write like this:

Miss, I came to see you here just now but you were not in. When will you be in your office? I want to see you.

Err, I guess they think my job is to sit in the office at all times and open the door anytime they knock. Note the authoritative-bossy command: I want to see you.

4. To ask for my advice on which courses they need to take. Here’s one very good example-

Assalammualaikum

Hello Ms. Z. I’m XXXX, director of the animated adaptation of Margaret Atwood’s Happy Endings (now with over 3000 views on Youtube!).
Anyway, as you already know, you are my advisor for my Master’s of World Literature. Thus I have to meet with you to dicuss what courses I must take. Can you inform me when you are free and in your office? I must return to my home, but will be present at UPM on Thursday and Friday. I am reachable at this number: XXXXXX and this email address: XXXXX@XXXXX. Please inform me as soon as you can. Thank you.

Aww..how sweet!

Do’s and Don’ts of Leaving Notes For Your Lecturer (I highly recommend this as one of the components in any Study Skills 101):

Do:

1. Start with a greeting.
2. Acknowledge the lecturer’s name and address him/her properly. (In my case, it’s Ms. Madam and Puan are funny because I am nobody’s Madam or Puan, and Miss (without Zainor) makes me feel like I’m a waitress or a sales girl).
3. Introduce yourself and jumpstart the lecturer’s memory with your achievement (e.g. a class project that left an impact on the lecturer).
4. Leave your contact details.
5. Leave your name.
6. Use those magic words (e.g. Hello, Please, Thank you).

Don’t:

1. Ask things that are already obvious or already pasted on my notice board.
2. Write in your mother tongue (unless it’s English).
3. Say I don’t care when you actually care.
4. Write in that bossy tone (e.g. I want to see you. Only my boss can say this to me).
5. Make me guess your identity.

6. Accuse me of leaving my room without your consent.

My Humble Abode

2009-07-02T18:14:00.014+08:00

Oblivious – Not aware of something especially what is happening around you.
Ignorant – Not having enough knowledge, understanding or information about something.

I don’t know which word best describes me where my neighbourhood is concerned. I am well aware of the developments that have taken place and are taking place in this neighbourhood. Compared to when I first moved in 7 years ago, Bandar Seri Putra has evolved into an almost complete township. It now has, among others, a post office, a police station, a 7E, and rows and rows of all kinds of shops and schools. A government-funded medical centre is also being built. The primary school, which is located very, very near to my house, is now complete and will be open in no time. The sekolah agama is also complete, waiting to be open. The secondary school is probably gonna be complete next year. The developer has also demarcated the site for a mosque. Amen. I am therefore not oblivious where developments in BSP is concerned. Nor am I ignorant.

Recently, while trying to google maps to my place (and getting about 178000 results), I came across a website that is dedicated to all residents at BSP. I was shocked! Beyond belief! There is this guy (God bless his soul) who writes about ALL the happenings in BSP! And the best thing is, he does this soooo passionately! It is almost as if he's the third-person omniscient narrator in a book who knows and has access to everything! Or a CNN news presenter who reports everything, from domestic affairs to sports! Through his website, I learnt a lot of things about BSP. Things I didn't think exist or happen are actually existing and happening! When I was reading this website I almost shed a tear. The owner/writer of this website knows about most of the things that have happened in BSP including recent break-ins and car thefts, which I think are really important information to be shared. I felt a chill ran down my spine when the words break-ins and car thefts were mentioned. I’ve been a victim of the former and it was a nightmare that I don’t want to relive. To this particular guy (whoever you are), I salute you and please don’t stop sharing. People like you are my heroes. Click here to see his website and you’ll know what I mean. It sure takes a lot of compassion and love to maintain that website.
But wait, this website is not the only website I encountered. There are actually many BSP houses-for-sale ads on the internet. I couldn’t believe my eyes when I saw the pic of my house in one of the websites! Surely my house is not for sale, I thought. I should know. But after a bit of scrutiny here and there I realized that it is actually the house next door that is on sale. Yup, silly me, my neighbour moved out a few months back and I suppose they have been advertising on the Net. But, hey, how come my house is also in the pic, huh? But it looks nice anyways, kinda cute. Hehehe. I guess I can’t help but be house-proud. Below are the pics in the ad that I've copied-pasted and my house is the one on the extreme left *blush*. Click here to see the ad. In case you're house-hunting. We can be great neighbours ;-)

Well, with these new discoveries, coupled with my own knowledge about my neighbourhood, I guess I’m not that oblivious or ignorant about BSP. I am just an information super highway late bloomer. But maybe I'm just a slow learner. Hiks.

To My Muse...(Part V)

2009-06-30T16:41:00.015+08:00

Driving is a spectacular form of amnesia. Everything is to be discovered, everything to be obliterated. ~ Jean Baudrillard

In this strange car

We're driving slow

I want to get out of this driving seat

And take the passenger's

Will you let me?

When we reach there

We won' t be able to run

Or walk

Or stand still

We'll lose our footings

But we won't fall

We'll fly high.

LONG but SHORT

2009-06-25T18:32:00.009+08:00

The living are just the dead on holiday. ~ Anonymous

Note: This entry is my attempt to resume writing again after a long hiatus.

The long semester break is going to end soon. How time flies. One would think that this 2 ½ month break is LONG and we teachers would be shaking legs in the office or at home but it wasn’t the case where I was concerned. I WORKED throughout the break. The only time I really, really, really didn’t work was when I went for a 10D8N vacay in the States. That was it. You can check my leave record: the only leave I took was for the States trip.
The break started at the end of April. For the first two weeks I was busy with marking papers, keying in the marks and going to schools to evaluate those trainee teachers under my supervision. Other than these, I would be in the office, mostly working on writing articles. All in all I worked on one journal article, which I had to revise a few times, and two conference articles. These took up a lot of my time and were very tedious and nerve-wrecking undertakings but I persevered. I also continued with my part time teachings, both in and outside the campus. In between these things I also had to attend meetings and workshops held by the department, which were suicidal in nature. So there, no BREAK for me! Another indication that I have been WORKING this entire break is my failure to embark on any of those MEGA projects that I’ve lined up at the back of my mind. Kinda like the non-performing loans, as an analogy. As with other previous breaks, I would normally have a few Mega projects planned in my head weeks, no, months before the break comes. These MEGA projects would be those things that I keep on postponing because 1. these things would need hours, sometimes days to complete 2. doing them during the break would be FUN, and I could do them in a very relaxed way. These projects include: 1. Giving a facial uplift to my tiny garden 2. Buying new curtains to replace those more-than-3-year-old curtains 3. Buying bulbs and lamps to add/replace those that are not working. 4. Having a CSI Season 8 marathon at home, accompanied by a bucket of vanilla ice-cream. Well, you guessed right, none of these had been realized because I HAVE BEEN WORKING.
Back to my Us trip, I finally got this much-deserved break at the end of May, after weeks and weeks of WORKING. I don’t know why, but every time I made plans to travel, there would be adverse tests put on me. Last year, while preparing for a US trip, I was tested with a lot of things. This year too, I was put to test. It came in the form of a pandemic. Yup, H1N1 a.k.a swine Flu. It hit the Mexico and the States in late April and by early and mid May, it had spread all over the world, making traveling a dangerous endeavor. I couldn’t believe what was happening. Snide remarks from friends and colleagues didn’t help, too. They were more phobic of it than other equally-fatal diseases such as AIDS! The fact that I couldn’t get a refund from MAS and the fact that this trip would mean a lot to Suzy became the MAJOR pushing factors for the trip. Either we proceed with the trip or our hard-earned 4K go down the drain. The latter is unacceptable, not after those long hours of teaching and script-writing. Remarks like "Screw the 4k, health is more important" really hurt. Some people just have no idea how I laboured for it. Some people also think that I grow money on trees. Well, screw those people. Being the easily-paranoid person that I am, I did a lot of readings on H1N1. I also had the luck to watch a documentary about flu on ASTRO. My understanding was further enhanced. It did make me become paranoid for a while but the thing about H1N1 is, it is as fatal as the common flu. The latter had also killed a lot of people all over the world. If H1N1 is detected early, it could be treated. A doc friend confirmed this. I also think that the media went a bit overboard with the whole H1N1 issue. In the end, Suzy and I were determined to go. Even if it meant taking the painful INFLUENZA jab. Uh, I shudder everytime I remember it. Not pleasant at all, I tell you. The needle was somehow thicker and longer. Need I elaborate more?
So I had my vacay after all. (I'll write about it in another entry). When I reached home, I didn’t have time to nurse my jet lag properly. 2 nights after I got home, I was flying to JB to attend a conference. I was lucky, my paper was scheduled for Day One. If it had been scheduled on Day Two or Three, I don’t think I would be able to present. On my second day in JB, I got sick. My head felt heavy and my throat was sore. Two symptoms associated with the H1N1 diasease. OMG!!! Nevertheless, I chose to ignore these symptoms, took some aspirin and lozenges and slept right from afternoon till the next morning, praying that the virus had not hit me. I was extremely worried that I’d contracted the dreaded virus but I guess the jet lag was asserting its presence in my body system. My mom and sis came down to stay with me and I was pleased. At least, if I were to die, there’d be somebody there with me. Despite my feverish condition, I managed to bring them to Singapore for a few hours. I’d promised to bring them on a Raya shopping spree and I lived up to my promise. My heart was beating so fast when we passed by the Woodlands check point. Thermal scanners were everywhere and I was unsure whether I was well enough for the trip. It turned out I was. What a relief! I guessed I cheated the virus. Hmm. I would like to think so.
One day of rest at home and I was back at work the next day. I had my part time teaching obligations so the whole Sunday I was teaching and teaching until I was blue in the face. A meeting with my muse in the evening brought the weekend to a perfect end, nevertheless :-). That, was a much-needed BREAK. I hadn't seen him for quite some time.

The next day I had to attend a 5-day 8-5 course. PTK a.k.a. Penilaian Tahap Kecekapan a.k.a. Competency Test. I'd been putting it off for so many years and at last I made a conscious decision to attend it. What the heck, I thought, just get it over with. I need it for my promotion anyway. What is the difference between this PTK course and other courses I'd attended such as Induksi and BTN? None, really. They made you sit through talks and lectures, they served you food, they made you deliver speeches and presentations and in the end, they made you sit exams that require you to answer 5 essay questions in 3 hours! Nevertheless, this course did serve a dose or two of fun. Meeting lecturers from the other faculties was fun. I made a lot of new friends. I also enjoyed listening to their stories (and grievances, of course). Working in a public research university is not easy, I should know.
This week I have to fulfill my obligations as a teaching supervisor. Monday and Tuesday I was in Shah Alam and now I'm in Melaka, in the school library, waiting for my next turn to go into my student's class. While typing this entry, I am watching a movie with a group of Form 4 students. I am surrounded by boys (it's an all-boys school) and have never felt so feminine before. Hehehe. What is in store for me next week? WORK, of course (the new semester is beginning in less than 2 weeks) and I don't even want to think about it at the moment. Not with all these cute boys surrounding me. Woohoo..!
.

Wisecrack Wit

2009-04-30T14:05:00.013+08:00

Wit is cultured insolence. ~ Aristotle

I think I’ve become a Facebook addict. Well, maybe not a full-blown one but a considerably-adddicted one. The reason I’m saying this is because I log in to FB as often as I check my work email. Embarassing, but true.
FB is fun due to so many reasons, of course, but to me, the reason it is fun is I get to stay connected with my friends, keep up with their antics, and, like a blog, I could actually express how I feel without going through the hassle of writing long-winded paragraphs. It doesn’t matter whether I get a response or not, the fact that I’m able to actually express what I feel is already therapeutic.
Lately, I find myself logging in to FB (as usual) and doing all (well, maybe not all, but most of) those quizzes that have been uploaded. Yup, reality-checks and what not can actually be fun (depending on what you mean by fun). Engaging in soliloquy, laughing out loud, cursing the smart alecs who came up with the wisecracking quizzes can be fun. The level of accuracy and reliability of these quizzes is questionable, of course, but hey, if they help in breaking the monotony at work and making me smile for a while, it has to be fun.
At first, I found myself taking those English quizzes. The results are not bad, although some are really cultural-specific and are meant for WACs (White, American, Caucasian). Like, my ideal city to live in is NYC. Duh. I would never want to live in NYC! Been there, done that, I wasn’t impressed!
Then I found myself taking those Malay quizzes. The results are mostly absurd, and most of the time I find myself rolling on the floor, laughing to my heart's content. Who wouldn’t, right, if you take a Tahap mana kehodohan anda quiz and the result is Anda sememangnya hodoh. Or if you take a Haiwan peliharaan yang mana sesuai untuk anda and the result is Gajah. I have to give those smart alecs who came up with the quizzes some credits, though. I bet it took a lot of wisecracking wit and a great sense of humour to come up with those quizzes. And a dash of poyoness, I guess.

Hmm. Let’s see if I remember some of those poyo quizzes and the results.

Quiz 1:Eh, kau pandai masak kah?

Result: Tahniah! Hebatlah masakan anda!

Quiz 2: Berapa nilai hantaran kahwin anda?

Result: RM 12 ribu

Quiz 3: Adakah anda anak jati Johor?

Result: Anda sememangnya anak jati Johor.

Quiz 4: Tahap kefasihan anda dalam loghat Johor

Result: Tahniah, anda memang fasih!

Quiz 5: Tempat manakah sesuai untuk anda tinggal?

Result: Melaka.

Quiz 6: Siapakah anda 30 tahun dari sekarang?

Result: Anda adalah mayat dalam kubur.

Hehehe. Funny, eh? But I must say, this one takes the cake:

Quiz 7: Perempuan spesis apakah anda?

Result: Pilihan Utama Mak Mertua.

Wait, this is the more detailed result:

Wah wah. Ke mana anda pergi orang asyik tanya dah berpunya ke belum. Sebab nak dijodohkan dengan anak dorang. Anda jenis yang ramah mesra, cekap dalam urusan rumah tangga, matang dan pandai mengambil hati orang lain. Kawan-kawan senang dengan anda dan anda selalunya ada ramai secret pakwe/secret admirer.

Relentless wisecracking or sheer wit? You be the judge :-)!

Genealogy 101

2009-04-07T20:45:00.008+08:00

Heirlooms we don't have in our family. But stories we've got. ~ Rose Cherin.

I have always been interested in the genealogy of my family but since this has never been divulged by my immediate antecedents, I kept quiet and sort of forgot about it until recently, when my kids and I discussed a Malaysian play. In the past, occassionally, I would hear my Dad telling guests who came to our house that my GrandDad was originally from Bandung. Occassionally, too, I heard my Dad telling people that my GrandDad came from Surabaya. Well, to put it simply, let's just say my GrandDad came from Indonesia. I am not sure whether I heard wrongly or my Dad heard wrongly. I am also not sure whether he's a Javanese or Sundanese. My Dad's family said that he was a Javanese but then this cannot be ascertained since the Malaysian concept of a Javanese has been: anyone who comes from Indonesia. Whereas to Indonesians, a Javanese is anyone who comes from the Java Island. Indonesia does not have the concept of race. Rather, they identify each other by suku. So, if one comes from Indonesia, one can be referred to as a Javanese, Sundanese, Madurese, Balinese and so on. An Indonesian friend of mine said my GrandDad could be a Sundanese - based on his character. My mom described him as a soft-spoken, courteous and steadfast man - qualities that are normally associated with the Sundanese. The Javanese, on the other hand, are the opposite. Well, this, too, cannot be ascertained unless I do a DNA test on everybody from Bandung and Surabaya. *LOL*. Come to think of it, I must have relatives residing in Bandung or Surabaya now, if my GrandDad had not been an only child. Well, thousands of DNA tests would confirm this, surely. *Chuckle* I do not know much about my maternal GrandMa except that she wasn't an Indonesian. She was a Malaysian, of Bugis descent, and came from Muar. This is how much information I have about my paternal grandparents. I learned from my mom recently that my maternal GrandDad's family had come from Trengganu. How they ended up in Segamat, she and I have no idea. My maternal GrandMa's family however, has always come from Segamat.

I suppose studying the history of the past and present members of the family can be fun but it is a huge, daunting task. Almost impossible. Besides the DNA test, how am I going to trace the family lineage? Records are scarce and in most cases, non-existent. My mom is like the Oral Historian (borrowing Huzir Sulaiman's term) of the family. Everytime I come home, stories about my ancestors would crop up bit by bit. I wonder what else will be divulged the next time I come home. It seems like the older my Mom gets, the more stories about the family she passes on, and the more nostalgic she becomes. Well, this reminds me of Margaret Atwood's closure in The Entities - "In the end, we'll all become stories."

To My Muse ... (Part IV)

2009-04-07T12:49:00.009+08:00

The dreamer can know no truth, not even about his dream, except by awaking out of it. ~ George Santayana

I’m the curious dreamer
Dissecting this dream
A feeling of closeness?
A replay of wasted time?
A call to divulge secrets?
A plea to communicate?
A dry heart?

I wish I could feed you this dream
So it infects yours
And our dreams become one.

Riding High on Solitude

2009-04-06T13:51:00.007+08:00

Solitude is a condition of peace that stands in direct opposition to loneliness. Loneliness is like sitting in an empty room and being aware of the space around you. It is a condition of seperateness. Solitude is becoming one with the space around you. It is a condition of union. Loneliness is small, solitude is large. Loneliness closes in around you; solitude expands toward the infinite ~ Kent Nerburn

Spending the weekend alone at home can be painful and tremendously boring, but after weeks of juggling so many things at the office, I welcomed it. I didn’t welcome the flu bug that accompanied me, though.
I had wished for this solitude. Long hours at the office coupled with heavy downpours every evening, had made me wished I was at home, under the blankie, cuddling with a good book, a cup of hot Milo on hand. And I got my wish. Only, I’ve got other things accompanying the cup of hot Milo: a stack of pills to get rid of the flu. Well, as the saying goes: Be careful of what you wish for!
While watching the Travel and Living channel, I was reminded of a particular weekend a few weeks back, when I met up with friends at the Central Market. I really dreaded the thought of driving all the way to CM, leaving my car in the parking lot, only to find it completely covered with bird droppings! Yes, that’s what happened the last time I parked my car at CM! So, I came up with this brilliant idea of parking my car at the Setiawangsa LRT Station and taking a ride to CM. A decision that I didn’t regret. In fact, I was elated!
It’s been ages since I took a ride on a train. So, after leaving my car at the parking lot, I walked slowly to the station. Besides the condos that have sprouted opposite the station, nothing much has changed. People are still buying tix from the counter, the vending machines are still there for show. Nevertheless, I felt so ordinary, and humble, which was a good feeling.
But as I walked up slowly to the platform and waited for the train, I sank into a mood of deep nostalgia. This is the station where my Dad would pick up my youngest sis every time she finished her tuition. This is also the nearest station to our home last time, and every time a situation necessitated a train ride, we would head to this station quickly.
I pretty much ride in trains whenever I travel overseas. Riding in train is one of the best ways to sightsee a country, especially in Europe, where the train system is so efficient and well-connected. Where the KL LRT is concerned, my ride this time around entailed discovering the changes, or should I say, developments, in the neighbourhood that I grew up in. Indeed, these changes indicate the years that have passed since I left KL for good. As the train rode through Keramat and Damai, I noticed the big wet market that had been developed. It stood majestically amidst the simplicity of the houses that surround it. I also noticed the greenery that surrounds this Malay suburb, amidst the concrete buildings and constructions. It certainly soothed my eyes and I hope these green patches stay that way forever and will not be cleared for whatever reason.
I reached CM and met up with R. It’s been ages since I stepped into the market. While waiting for R, I noticed the changes that had taken place in the market itself. The shops now sell more Malaysian crafts, which is a good thing. It now has a new food court on the first floor, which has a very retro ambience to it and which encapsulates the Malaysian identity. The food was not bad, too. I was really impressed with the changes in CM and told myself that I would go there again one of these days, just to explore every nook and cranny of the market. I used to do this when I was a teen ;-)
After a movie screening at the Annexe, R and I met up with a few other friends, some I’ve known and some I haven’t. We ate to our hearts’ content and talked about a lot of stuff, from politics to literature to reality TV. Conversations with these guys, who come from a range of intellectual backgrounds, were a very liberating experience.
R and I took a train ride to Setiawangsa. R felt a strange sense of déjà vu as we walked to my car. I guess with the condos built right opposite the station, Setiawangsa does resemble Singapore a bit. I sent R off to Bangsar to meet another friend of ours. R thanked me for taking the time to meet up and I said it was my pleasure. It is always my pleasure to spare time for friends. This is my strength. And weakness, sometimes.
But now I am sparing time for myself. This may sound corny but staying at home, doing nothing, can be bliss, too. Well, nothing here connotes (among other things) doing housechores (by degrees), watching one of those foreign movies that I’d bought and forgotten, catching up on my reading, getting entertained by one or two reality TV programs and taking those anti-flu medication, but it is a nothing that made me ride high this weekend; on a level that no one can't trespass. Indeed, solitude can be sheer bliss.

Reality Check

2009-03-23T14:36:00.006+08:00

The person you were last year does not exist. Personality is a flowing, changing complex of interrelated factors. You are not the same person you were yesterday. ~Rosemary Dennis

Personality tests are fun. It’s a quick reality check that doesn’t hurt, does it? Sometimes we just get too busy with our lives, or too busy serving other people that we just become reality impaired. I took one recently, as recommended by Iman, and here are the results. I guess I would have agreed with some of the results here if I had been younger, but now that I’m wiser (euphemism for older, mind you), I do have to differ on certain things :-)

Your view on yourself: Other people find you very interesting, but you are really hiding your true self. Your friends love you because you are a good listener. They'll probably still love you if you learn to be yourself with them.

Izzy: Crap. I might have a strong personality but I don’t think I have an interesting one. I’m not sure I’m a good listener but I think I am. I am always myself when I’m with friends.

The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for: You like serious, smart and determined people. You don't judge a book by its cover, so good-looking people aren't necessarily your style. This makes you an attractive person in many people's eyes.

Izzy: Very true :-D

Your readiness to commit to a relationship: You are ready to commit as soon as you meet the right person. And you believe you will pretty much know as soon as you meet that person.

Izzy: Yup, I’m forever ready :-D

The seriousness of your love: You like to flirt and behave seductively. The opposite sex finds this very attractive, and that's why you'll always have admirers hanging off your arms. But how serious are you about choosing someone to be in a relationship with?

Izzy: I didn’t know I had all these talents ;-)

Your views on education: Education is very important in life. You want to study hard and learn as much as you can.

Izzy: Yup, provided it’s in Bath ;-)

The right job for you: You have plenty of dream jobs but have little chance of doing any of them if you don't focus on something in particular. You need to choose something and go for it to be happy and achieve success.

Izzy: I only have two dream jobs - What I’m doing now and Married to the person I love (this is a dream job albeit an unpaid one)

How do you view success: You are afraid of failure and scared to have a go at the career you would like to have in case you don't succeed. Don't give up when you haven't yet even started! Be courageous.

Izzy: Yup, I don't handle failure very well.

What are you most afraid of: You are concerned about your image and the way others see you. This means that you try very hard to be accepted by other people. It's time for you to believe in who you are, not what you wear.

Izzy: What crap is this? The first part is probably true but I don’t care whether people accept me or not. And I do believe in who I am. What I wear is my business and nothing to do with me not believing in myself. Pfffttt.

Who is your true self: You are mature, reasonable, honest and give good advice. People ask for your comments on all sorts of different issues. Sometimes you might find yourself in a dilemma when trapped with a problem, which your heart rather than your head needs to solve.

Izzy: I think I use my head most of the time.

Your romantic self: You are the type to fall quickly and passionately in love, but will commit to a person forever when this happens. When you choose to love someone, it's going to be a strong relationship and nothing will come between you and your lover. But beware: love can turn you blind, and the rest of the world might cease to exist while you are in that honeymoon phase. When you come down from your high, you may find you have neglected other people and things that you love.

Izzy: Exactly, but I wouldn’t neglect other people that I care about. People that I care about are my assets :-)

Pictorially

2009-02-24T13:32:00.044+08:00

1. My age, next birthday

Oops, i mean...

hehehe...gotcha!

2. Places I'd like to travel to

Bath, UK

Portugal

Korea

3. My favourite place

Vienna

4. My favourite food

Cupcakes. Yum! Yum!

5. Nicknames I've had

Pijat

Pammie (for obvious reasons)

Anak keling. My dad would call me this whenever he wanted to tease me. I hated it!

6. My favourite colours

Black, Red and White

7. College Major

B. Ed. (TESL) Hons.

8. Name of my love

He'll probably faint if he sees his name here. The thing is, he doesn't know that I adore him.

9. My hobbies

Reading

Watching performing arts

Traveling

Blogging

Hanging out with friends

Facebooking

10. My bad habits

Leaving dirty dishes in the sink

Leaving piles of clean clothes on the bed (too lazy to fold)

11. My wishlist

Josh Holloway *please slap me a zillion times*

Settling down with someone I love

A house on the sea

Hidden Treasures

2009-02-10T10:53:00.018+08:00

According to a local historian, Hassan bin Muhammad, the area used to be known as Rantau Panjang. Circa 1511, a Bendahara (Prime Minister) of Melaka (Malacca), Bendahara Tepok and his troops were retreating to Johor after the fall of Melaka to the invading Portuguese forces led by Alfonso de Albuquerque. The Bendahara and his troops stopped and rested by a river in the area and drank water from the river. After the drink, the Bendahara exclaimed, "Segar amat!", or "Very refreshing!" in Malay, and named the river Segar Amat, which over time evolved into Segamat. However, initially the name Segamat only applied to the river. The settlement which later became Segamat was originally called Rantau Panjang. The town assumed the river's name only at the turn of the 20th century. ~ http://en.wikipedia.org/

I was born in Johor but raised in KL. Therefore, ‘home’ is not really a definite concept for me. I can’t really call myself a KL-girl since Johor is my birthplace. Similarly, I can’t really call Johor my home since I’ve never lived there. Having lived in KL for more than 25 years, my parents decided to reside in Johor upon retiring. In 2002, they moved to Johor whereas I moved to my current place in Bangi. So, except for the monthly balik-kampong trip, I’ve never actually lived in Johor. And considering I now live in Bangi, I’d rather leave this home concept open. Sometimes I find myself assigning different meanings to home. Officially (as stated in my IC), I now live in Bangi, Johor is my hometown and KL is the place I grew up. Hmm. It can’t get more complicated than that.
A friend of mine recently remarked that I’m lucky to have a kampong to balik kampong to. That remark really made me ponder whether my kampong is a kampong, in every sense of the word. My mom’s place is located right in the heart of Segamat town, with modern facilities attached to it, surrounded thinly by bushes and secondary forests and swamps. A few schools are nearby. In fact, my mom’s place is located right at the back of Sekolah Dato Wan Idris – a primary school that has been around for ages. Occassionally, if it’s really quiet, we could hear the faint whoosh sound of the train speeding through the swampy land located at the back of the neighbourhood.
My balik kampong itinerary isn’t hard to plan or figure out. A typical, default-setting itinerary would include me staying in my room, catching up on my reading, packing on the calories (mom’s cooking always whets the appetite) and making trips to: my grandma's and aunt’s places, the soto place in Kg. Jawa, the kopitiam near the wet market, Pizza Hut, McDonald’s, Giant and Jakel. Except for these places, I really didn’t know where else I could go to – Segamat, after all, is just a small town. It doesn’t even have a cinema.
During the long CNY break, I had another balik-kampong trip. I was excited of course, with the thought of meeting my mom and sis but not really enthusiastic with the itinerary, which is so predictable and routine. However, I was wrong. On the second day of my stay, my sis asked me to jog with her. I was skeptical cuz I thought she would bring me to the rock garden; one of the town’s few attractions. It is nice and what-not but I just dread the idea of jogging up the slopes. Instead, my sis brought me to this wonderful garden equipped with a jogging track which runs parallel to Segamat River. I forgot the name of the place but I was blown away. Majestic trees lined the track, leading to an almost complete playground at the end. I’m not sure how long the track is but I guess it must be more than 2 kms long. I was impressed by the garden’s sense of orderliness and its regular rows of shady trees. Segamat should be really proud of this civilized greenery. I enjoyed jogging here tremendously (actually I was walking more than jogging, hehe).

The two-lane jogging track

The next evening my sis brought me to a new kopitiam in town. My favourite kopitiam, Nanyang, was closed. I was devastasted since I’ve been craving for its out-of-this-world steamed bun. It’s so cheap – 80 cent per piece and it makes you ask for more every time you bite a piece. Anyway, this new kopitiam is called Anjung D’Pengkalan. It is located at the center of town, in one of the colonial buildings that lined the main road stretches, and it is run by Malays. I was impressed with this kopitiam. The owner has gone to great lengths to evoke nostalgia through its retro décor and songs and the fact that it is located in a colonial bulding adds to a true kopitiam experience. The food served was true to Johorean form (mee rebus johor, mee bandung muar and all that jazz) , and it wasn’t that pricy. A gem in the heart of town. Plus, it’s good to know that there are some Malays (in Segamat, for that matter) who have the extra sense to capitalize on the kopitiam business which, in Segamat, is clearly dominated by the Chinese. Bravo!

The (closed) Nan Yang Kopitiam

My niece @ Anjung d'Pengkalan

A couple of shops next to the kopitiam is an electrical shop, which my late grandma had been frequenting for ages. I didn’t know this until my mom mentioned it in passing. The shop has been around for many generations. In fact, my mom said, the people in the shop practically knew every one of my grandma’s progeny and they never fail to recall each and everyone’s name. I thought that was amazing!

My late grandma's favourite electrical shop

Another hidden treasure in my hometown is this spa that my sis brought me to. I forgot the name, maybe Putri something-something Spa. It belongs to a friend of my mom’s. I haven’t had a facial for weeks so I thought yeah, why not, I’d give it a try. I couldn’t believe my ears when the facial lady told me it cost RM30! My jaw slacked, and I swear that you could drive a truck through it! It was cheap with capital C!!! I normally pay about RM 120 for a facial in KL! With the same amount, I could get 4 facials in Segamat! Unbelievable! The products the lady used were local but the routine and length were similar to any other facial I’ve had. In fact, I think the facial lady did a great job with the face massage. I guess it’s not really the products that matter when you do a facial. It’s the massage. I was over the moon and so treated my mom to a facial. She was apprehensive at first but enjoyed it tremendously. I could tell.
So, my recent balik kampong trip was tremendous fun, and I am looking forward to the next trip. I never thought Segamat would have so many hidden treasures. They are not hidden physically, of course, just hidden from my faculties. Well, these treasures are now discovered and I wonder wether there are any other hidden treasures left waiting to be explored. Time will tell :-)

10+15 Things I Hate About You

2009-02-05T10:57:00.013+08:00

Okay, Iman, another tag. Because it came from you, I'll happily oblige. I just hope I don't sound too narcissistic and lame.

1. I can doodle...quite well.

2. I have been teaching for 13 years now. 1 year at scondary level, and 12 years at tertiary level.

3. I'm a loyal friend...but I can't say the same for some of my friends who think they are my friends.

4. I enjoyed my years in uni. I discovered a lot about myself when I was in uni.

5. I was born in Johor but raised in KL. I guess 'home' is not a definite concept for me.

6. I had wanted to go to boarding school when I was a teen but am so glad that I didn't. I would have been deprived of a lot of fun!

7. I am currently at the office, cracking my head for a quiz I plan to give to my kids next week. As you can see, I am easily distracted. Hehehe.

8. I miss a certain someone very much and I wish that certain someone knows it and I hope that this craziness is reciprocal. The best song to represent me at the moment would be Kylie Minogue's 'Can't Get You Out of My Head'. If what I feel is not reciprocal, the best song would be Dewa 19's 'Pupus".

9. After 13 years of teaching, I am convinced that this is the best job for me.

10. I think Lloyd Fernando is the best Malaysian writer writing in English.

11. I do love to read. I have a vast collection of literature from all over the world.

12. I also love music. I can listen to all kinds of music; from classical to whatever it is they have in the market right now.

13. I don't have any gaming console or whatsoever. The only games that I've played are Tetris, Wheel of fortune and Bookworm. Enough said.

14. I like gadgets; as long as I know how to use them.

15. Although I try not to be, I think I'm very idealisitic. Damn.

16. Though I don't know anything about bass, I like to listen to it. Whether RHCP's Flea is a badass bassist, I don't think I am in the right position to evaluate him. But hey, RHCP is my favourite band of all time.

17. I am into blogging. It amazes me how writing in my blog can be very therapeutic for me.

18. I always have a fear of heights.

19. I practically live at my office. I go home only to sleep. If my office is equipped with a bathroom and a mini bar, I wouldn't mind staying here.

20. I dont think I can live without my phone and my books.

21. I swear (to myself) a lot.

22. I dont have that many friends, but the ones I have are really cool! In their own crazy ways.

23. I love cats.

24. I was a tomboy when I was in school but I changed when I got to Form 5.

25. I wish I had more time... to do research.

A 10-Second Interview

2009-02-03T13:37:00.014+08:00

I wasn't tagged this time around :-)

1. The 80's were a decade of...shoulder pads.

2. I wouldn't mind being stuck in a closet with...Josh Holloway.

3. Who do you take after? Mom or Dad?
Both.

4. If I could control my dreams, I'd dream about...my dad and what he's doing in heaven.

5. Use the following words in a sentence: pink, dirigible, luckily, phonics.
Luckily, I wasn't so stupid to waste time figuring out what dirigible pink phonics are!

6. Quick! Make up a number (example: eleventy seven)
Seventeenee seven

7. Batman or Superman?
Ironman.

8. When I want to be alone, I...just stay at home.

9. I wish I could change...certain parts of my past.

10. I feel most powerful when...people trust me.

11. Bury me with my...handphone and books I haven't read.

12. Quick! Make up an academic discipline (example: Kleptonics)
Retailogy.

13. Everything is negotiable in a relationship, except...betrayal.

14. Quick! Make up a new name for a country: Pandanusia.

15. G-string, thong, boy shorts, bikini, or traditional? Boy shorts.

16. If you had your own army of 1000 identical five year olds, what would you have them do?
Roll in the mud.

17. I like people who are...honest, humble and have a great sense of humour.

18. Though I try to hide it, I'm actually...not so confident with my body.

19. When I was little, I used to believe that...fairy tales ruled!

20. If there's another book, it should be called "Harry Potter and The ... Mystical Pandan Princess."

21. If you were famous, what would you be famous for?
My novels.

22. What should your biography be titled?
It's a Pandan life...!

23. The key to success is...determination.

24. Where would you like to go on vacation?
Portugal.

25. A recent poll shows a fifth of Americans cannot locate the US on a world map. Why do you think this is so?
They are map-illiterate.

Makassar, The Land of The Seafarers

2009-01-30T17:54:00.036+08:00

Makassar a.k.a Ujong Pandang

Destination: Makassar, Sulawesi, Indonesia. Date: 26/12/08- 29/12/08

Pre-trip

The trip to Makassar was Aida’s idea. Initially, during one of our meetups, Aida had suggested we both go for a holiday together sometime in November or December. I didn’t think she was serious at first since we have never traveled together, but she was. We thought of a few destinations: Krabi, Hanoi,Kota Kinabalu and Kundasang. One night, Aida called me and told about her friends’ plan to go scuba diving in Makassar, Sulawesi. She suggested that we go together with her friends; they can do their stuff and we can do our stuff, which will not include scuba diving, of course. I instantly agreed, thinking that where there is scuba diving, there’d surely be white sandy beaches I can leave my footprints on. I’m a sucker for beaches, anyway. Aida quickly assigned me to do the flight and hotel bookings. But due to clashes in schedule, we were not able to follow Aida’s friends’ actual departure date. It was then that we decided that the trip to Makassar would be a trip for two. That is, until Mazlin announced her plan to join us. Then, it became a trip for three. I had heard of Makassar, of course, years ago, maybe during History and Geography lessons, but that was that. I’d never, ever thought that I’d step foot on Makassar.

Day 1

We departed in the evening and reached Makassar around 8 something. It was raining cats and dogs when we arrived. Sultan Hasanudin Airport was impressive; but I didn’t really get a chance to appreciate the architecture since we were busy booking for the airport taxi counter. Once we paid for the taxi, we were ushered by a few kids who’d apparently been waiting for people to board taxis. They were so quick in grabbing our bags, pushing them to the assigned taxi, whilst providing us with umbrellas. I then remember my mom’s horror stories in Bandung and it dawned on me then these kids would have to be paid. True enough, when we got into the taxi, they waited eagerly for us to hand them some money.
In about half an hour, we reached our hotel, the Horison Makassar. It is a small, 4-star hotel located in the city. We were happy to see the room, it’s cozy enough for three. Earlier on, when the taxi was nearing the hotel, we had noticed a decent restaurant next to Horison. After checking into our room, we quickly headed to the restaurant and though clueless about what to eat, we gambled by ordering Ikan Baronang, Sup Chap Chai and Otak2 Ikan. They turned out marvelous and we thanked God for making our first meal in Makassar a wonderful one!

Day 2

We had a scrumptious breakfast at the hotel. The buffet spread was generous and appetizing, and there were generous servings of local Makassar dishes such as soto, ketupat and som-som. These dishes are not alien in Malaysia, of course, but those served in the hotel were really out of this world! The som-som, especially, was so good that we prayed it was going to be served again the next day!
After breakfast, we took a cab to Fort Rotterdam, an old Dutch fortress. The weather was nice, it was windy and looking at the main road in front of our hotel, we were pleased because the road was not busy. Fort Rotterdam is quite a huge area, with different buildings serving as best-preserved examples of Dutch architecture. There are two museums in the fortress. After visiting the museums, I learned that Makassar is actually the land of the seafarers. Also the land of the Bugis. Sea exploration and fishing have been predominant in Makassar for centuries.

Fort Rotterdam (Interior)

Outside the fort, we saw a stall selling coconuts so we stopped to quench our thirst. Stalls like this are plenty in Makassar. We got to know Den Mumbak, who offered us a boat ride (not free, of course) to Samalona, the island where we people go to for snorkeling. We told him we’d let him know, I didn’t want to make a hasty agreement with him, considering we didn’t have that much info at that point about how to go to Samalona and how much it would actually cost. . We asked Den Mumbak where we could find kain sarong, since Aida wanted to buy some for her father. We took a taxi, together with Den Mumbak as our guide, to this place in town (I forgot the name) where sarongs and fabrics and clothes are sold. I didn’t buy anything. If my dad were still around, I’d surely buy some for him.

We then headed off to Port Poetare, the anchorage of Makassar. I had so wanted to go to this place after reading about it on the Net. It is where the famous Bugis “Pinisi” (schooners) berth and of which, Pinisi models haven’t changed for centuries. But I guess our knowledge of pinisi and what-not was insufficient, so naturally we weren’t impressed. Those pinisis looked like any other small ships/boats. We took pics, nevertheless.

Port Poetare

Den Mumbak then took us to Coto Nusantara, the best place for soto makassar. The night before, the taxi driver had already told us to try out soto makassar, which Makassarese would normally take for breakfast, together with ketupat. I’d also read on the Net about the highly recommended soto makassar. True enough, it was awesome! Den Mumbak ordered soto campor for us, and it’s wise not to ask what is in this soto, as I learned later. It consists of practically every part of the cow! Nevertheless, it was extremely delicious, and I don’t think I’ve ever tasted a soto that good!
I mentioned to Den Mumbak that we wanted to go to the Central Market. But Den Mumbak advised us not to go, since there had been a lot of criminal acts at that place. We sent off Den Mumbak to Fort Rotterdam. We were a bit worried, thinking Den Mumbak might ask us to pay him for his ‘services’ and it might be costly. Fortunately, we didn’t have to. On the way back to the hotel, we passed by Jalan Omba Sopu, a long stretch of shops selling gold jewelry and souvenirs. We were delighted (not so much for the gold as for the souvenirs), since it wasn’t that far from our hotel.
After resting for while at the hotel, we decided to go to Panakkukang, the biggest mall in East Indonesia, according to the girl at the front desk. I really didn’t know what to look for at the mall. It was big alright, probably similar to Subang Parade in size, and there were so many people! We browsed through the mall, and I ended up buying some polo t-shirts for me and my sis. I did a survey on the shoes and the so-called latest-fashion clothes but I guess they are just not my taste. I bought 3 oringinal CDs. One thing I like about shopping in Indonesia is the CDs. They are so horrendously cheap!!! I got 3 CDs, Amy Winehouse, Duffy and Katy Perry, for less than 80 RM!! I’d wanted to buy Bunga Cinta Lestari’s CD but changed my mind at the last minute. Maybe the reason I’d wanted to buy is because it cost less than 10 RM and there was this one song that I really liked!!! Lame.
Back at the hotel, we asked the front desk about the best way to go to Samalona. The manager that we spoke to looked exactly like Erra Fazira (minus the make up and the wig, of course). I guess the actress’s ancestors must have come from Indonesia (chuckle). She wasn’t so sure how but promised to get the info for us.

Day 3

Samalona Island

The hotel front desk however, seemed clueless about Samalona and Ms. Erra Fazira look-alike was nowhere to be seen. Fed up, we took a cab, headed to the jetty opposite Fort Rotterdam and hired a boat for Rp 400, 000, Rp 100 000 cheaper than the rate quoted by Den Mumbak. I was worried that we’d stumble upon Den Mumbak since we sorta gave him hope that we'd hire him, but fortunately he wasn’t around. The boat crew took some time to get the boat ready, and so to kill time, we posed around the jetty. The boat ride took less more or less half an hour, and as soon as we arrived, we ordered for the usual snorkeling gadgets and food. Samalona is just a small island but serene and beautiful. It is surrounded by reefs and what really captured my attention was the colour of the sea, which seemed like layers and layers of blue, turquoise and emerald. There were about 5 or 6 houses on the island and a small surau. I love the white sandy beach and the wooden shacks that lined the seashore. As we were getting ready to jump into the water, a lady came and asked for some payment for staying at her shack. At this point, we got really fed-up with this payment thing. Everywhere we went in Makassar, some kind of payment was demanded. First, there were the kids at the airport. Then, at Fort Rotterdam. Twice. Next, at Port Poetare. And now, at Samalona. The shack where we put our stuff looked run down and dilapidated but since it was the nearest shack to our snorkeling spot, we had no choice. I was disappointed with the whole snorkeling thing. I guess I had set snorkeling at Pulau Payar as the benchmark. At Samalona, areas where we could snorkel were limited, and there were quite a few jet skis criss crossing near the shore. Plus, there was no life-jacket, which I thought was essential for a novice snorkler like me and Mazlin. Aida couldn’t snorkel and so stayed at the shack, catching up on TIME. Yup, that's how serious Aida is with her reading. Hehe. After about an hour, since there was not much we could do, we had lunch. What we had was simple dishes but awesome, nevertheless! I was surprised that though the heat was unbearable, it didn’t feel heaty at all sitting under the shack. There must be some cooling elements in the roof of the shack. Hmm. Makes me wonder about the greatness of old, simple architecture.
After Samalona, we went back to the hotel and went out again. This time, we specifically asked the cab driver to bring us to the souvenir shop at Somba Opu. The driver took us to the right place, for we spent hours in the shop. It has always been my practice to get some traditional fabrics to be made into sarongs whenever I go traveling, so when I saw those nice makassar silk, I didn’t hesitate. I also bought some t-shirts, plus some peanuts or in Makassarese, kacang disko. Little did I know that these peanuts can be very addictive!
Ater shopping, we headed to Pantai Losari. It wasn’t very far from the souvenir shop anyway. While walking, we passed by so many hawker stalls selling pisang epe. Always curious about food, we sat down at one of the stalls and ordered for pisang epe cheese. It was a gamble, but it was worth it! Pisang epe was simply delicious! It is banana that is grilled and topped with gula merah syrup and grated cheese. I can’t even begin to describe how sinful it is. It just is. The stall that we chose is just opposite Pantai Losari. After packing on the calories, we went to the beach. It is similar to the Pantai Lido stretch in JB, I reckon. Well, maybe better and more attractive. There was this building facing the beach that had these big statues of a man and a woman. The male statue is dressed in a traditional fisherman clothing, holding a fish whereas the female statue carries a child and a kettle. I thought the statues were marvelous, and encapsulate Makassar’s ethnology and history very well. They depict the traditional roles of men and women in Makassar. Men – the breadwinner, women – the housewife. There is just something majestic and earnest in the statues despite its basic and traditional depiction. After a short stint with the sunset, we headed back to the hotel. Again, we had dinner at the restaurant next to the hotel.

The afore-mentioned statues

Day 4

This was our last day in Makassar. It was also spa day for us! We went to the spa at the hotel after breakfast and got ourselves pampered. I took the 3-hour package while the girls took the 2-hour ones (Yup, I went overboard a bit but hey, it was my hard-earned money). I wasn’t really happy though since I had set my spa experience in Vietnam as the benchmark. Well, nevertheless, I felt good. It was worth the 100 RM I paid. A 100 RM could only get me a one-hour massage in Malaysia. After the massage, we went to Coto Nusantara (again) to savour the soto Makassar. Yup, it was that good that we simple had to eat it again. And again.
Our next stop was the souvenir shop (again). I had to exchange some of the t-shirts that I’d bought because they were too small for the people I’d bought them for. Oops, this was supposed to be a secret. We thought of having another serving of pisang epe so we headed to Pantai Losari, via Jalan Somba Opu. On impulse, I stopped at one of the jewelry shop to see if they sell silver jewelry. Gold jewelry has never compelled me. I've always wanted a silver anklet, so I got one. It’s cheap compared to the ones sold in Malaysia, I guess. Plus, it’s so hard to find a nice silver anklet to my liking like the one I got in Somba Opu. When we got to Pantai Losari, we tried another pisang epe stall and this time around, it was even more delicious than the ones we had the previous day. I ate to my heart’s content. So did the girls.

The yummy pisang epe

Jalan Somba Opu (as long as Jln TAR in KL; 99% of the shops sell gold.)

Then we went to a mall to get our manicure and pedicure done. This was cheap, but not done hygienically, as I noticed in horror. Three of us were having our manicure and pedicure done and the girls were sharing some of the tools! Well, I guess the mani and pedi were cheap for a reason.
The mani and pedi took so long that we had to rush back to the hotel to get our luggage. We had like 2 hours left before departure! We had a panic attack when we got stuck in the traffic jam but the taxi driver assured us that we’d be at the airport in time to check in. The same taxi driver waited for us to get our luggage from the hotel, and he was kind enough to speed all the way to the airport. He was also very friendly and funny to the boot. We learnt form him that we could actually get the spices for soto Makassar at the local market. We couldn’t believe our ears! But by then, it was already too late!
After checking in, I spent some time going around the airport, admiring the architecture and the big pinisi displayed at the center. The flight was delayed, as usual. We met a guy and his wife whom we’d met on our flight to Malkassar. We shared our experiences, and learnt that there are actually many Malaysian students in Makassar, mostly doing medicine. The guy and his wife actually had the fortune to meet one of them, who brought them sight seeing and eating and all. Well, some people had all the luck.

Sultan Hasanudin Airport

Post Trip

We touched down at around 12 am. Aida’s bro was kind enough to give me a lift. My trip to Makassar was okay, I thought. Makassar is not as congested as Jakarta. Or Bandung. It is more laidback, a fact which I like tremendously. Granted, there wasn’t much to do in Makasaar, but I wouldn’t mind going there again, just to eat. Hehehe. Oh, and spend quality time with friends :-).

Cute? Huh?

2009-01-29T18:15:00.016+08:00

1. Copy badge “2008 Cute’s 3logger Award” di atas untuk diletakkan di blog anda.

Gee, thanks, Iman, though I don't think I'm cute.

2. Link/ceritakan kembali siapa yang memberikan award ini kepada anda.

Iman, my cousin's daughter. Also my blog's filial follower. Hehe.

3. Setiap blogger mesti menyatakan 10 fakta/hobi diri sendiri sebelum memilih penerima award seterusnye (anda di-tag).

i. I love to eat.

ii. I have bouts of guilty pangs whenever I think I've over-indulged in food.

iii. I like to sing sometimes and I couldn't be bothered about who is listening (most of the time there won't be any, anyway.)

iv. I love books too, Iman. Hehe.

v. I love the outdoors even though I spend much of my time indoors.

vi. When I'm at home, I try not to do anything (I fail though, most of the time.)

vii. I'm a coffee-addict.

viii. I like to write, especially when I'm stressed out. Writing is therapeutic to me.

ix. Facebook is like my second email, have to log in as often as I check my emails.

x. I like to daydream before I go to sleep. Hehe.

4. Anda perlu memilih 5 penerima award seterusnye dan menyatakan nama mereka di blog anda.

i. Suraya

ii. Suzy

iii. Delicia

iv. Intan

v. Iman

5. Jangan lupe melawat blog kawan anda dan meninggalkan komen yang menyatakan mereka telah ditag.

Masalahnya, banyak blog derang ni dah jumud. Kalau tinggalkan komen pon, tahun depan kot baru derang baca...hahaha

Picture Imperfect

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1. Take a recent picture of yourself or take a picture of yourself right NOW!

2. DON’T change your clothes, DON’T fix your hair.. just take a picture.

3. Post that picture with NO editing.

4. Post these instructions with the picture.

Okay, Iman, this is the result. My most recent photo, no hair-fixing, no editing. I think I looked really sad. Maybe I was just tired...

5. Tag 10 people to do this:

Uh-oh. The first ten people to read this, please feel 'tagged', okay?

As I Please

2009-01-29T11:19:00.013+08:00

Z.I.Z., as I please. Doing this for Yati, who thought it's a good way of getting to know her friends. Am so honored :-)

1. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?
Definitely. Named after my parents. Zainal + Norzan = Zainor. I don't know how my parents came up with Izat, though.

2. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED?
Yesterday, whilst watching a movie.

3. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?
Well, yeah.

4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE LUNCH MEAT?
Fish.

5. DO YOU HAVE KIDS?
Yup. Hundreds of them. Hehe. Owh, did you mean, biological kids? Nope.

6. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU?
Definitely!

7. DO YOU USE SARCASM?
Only when someone is driving me up the wall.

8. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS?
I don't know what this means.

9. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP?
Nah.

10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE CEREAL?
I have no idea.

11. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF?
Seldom. Hehe.

12. WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE ICE CREAM?
Vanilla.

13. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE?
Their smiles.

14. RED OR PINK?
Red.

15. WHAT IS YOUR LEAST FAVOURITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF?
My pessimism.

16. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST?
MB

17. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO COMPLETE THIS LIST?
Well, yeah.

18. WHAT COLOUR OF PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING?
Brownish pants, gold peep-toe sandals.

19. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW?
Afgan.

20. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOUR WOULD YOU BE?
Purple.

21. FAVOURITE SMELLS?
Nice, manly scent.

22. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE?
Suraya.

23. DO YOU LIKE THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU?
Yes.

24. FAVOURITE SPORTS TO WATCH?
Badminton, Gymnastics, Swimming.

25. HAIR COLOUR?
Black.

26. EYE COLOUR?
Dark brown.

27. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS?
Yes, unfortunately.

28. FAVOURITE FOOD?
Mom's cooking.

29. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS?
Happy ending is so yesterday. I look at the development of the plot and characters.

30. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED?
Bride Wars.

31. WHAT COLOUR OF SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING?
Black with some black and orange stripes.

32. SUMMER OR WINTER?
Summer.

33. HUGS OR KISSES?
Both.

34. FAVOURITE DESSERT?
Anything with banana and chocolate in it.

35. MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND?
Those who are willing to share.

36. LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND?
Those who are busy.

37.WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING?
Fistful of Colours by Suchen Christine Lim (A Singaporean writer)

38. WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD?
It goes without saying...

39. WHAT DID YOU WATCH ON TV LAST NIGHT?
I forgot. I was too busy texting to watch it.

40. FAVOURITE SOUND(S)?
Flowing water. Bass. Violin.

41. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES?
Aren't they old school???

42. WHERE IS THE FURTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME?
The States. That is, if you take into account the hours spent flying.

43. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT?
Doodling whilst attending meetings. Hehe.

44. WHERE WERE YOU BORN?
Hospital Segamat, Johor.

45. WHOSE ANSWERS ARE YOU LOOKING FORWARD TO GETTING BACK?
Those who think it's fun!